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a deep and vital emotion that satisfies certain needs, combined with a caring for and acceptance of the beloved and resulting in an intimate relationship.
- (Being needs)
- Arise in the present rather than deficits from the past.
- (Deficiency needs)
- count on others to make us feel worthwhile.
Caring and acceptance-
accept partners for themselves, not for ability to change and meet another's requirements.
Do men and women care differently?
- Both men and women want psychological and physical intimacy.
- Men are equally loving but women are primarily responsible for the success of love.
- Love is expressed verbally and women are more verbal.
Triarchic Theory of Love-
Intimacy- close connected bond with another person; intimate communication and sharing of oneself.
Passion- drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, sexual consummation.
Commitment- decision to love someone and commitment to maintain that love.
Types of Love:
Consummate love- has all three components of Theory of Love
Companionate love- intimacy and commitment
Infatuation- passion is high, low on other components
6 Love Styles:
intense emotional attachment; powerful sexual feelings
affectionate, companionate with mutual commitment, respect, friendship and common goals
rational assessment of partners assets and liabilities; relationship as economic and emotional security
unselfish concern for others needs even when it requires personal sacrifice (altruistic)
love as play or fun; playful flirtation and sexuality
- strong attraction and emotional intensity.
- Includes jealousy, moodiness (euphoria and depression)
- maintains relationships by consistently ignoring one's own legitimate needs.
- Can become angry victim
seek to control feelings, attitudes and behaviors of partner in underhand ways.
Martyrs and Manipulators in relationships:
- Often attract one another and form "symbiotic relationship"
- Expect each other to provide a sense of meaning or purpose
Misconceptions about Love (Pat Love)
- Love equals infatuation
- If it isn't perfect it wasn't mean to be
- You can't rekindle passion
- One true soul mate; meet the right person and live happily ever after
- Love conquers all; if the going gets tough it means you have the wrong person
- Love is static; fall in love and stay on a high forever
- Love is a feeling; either you have it or you don't
Attachment Theory, Mate Selection, and Marital Stability
- Children whose needs are met, form a secure attachment which leads to trust in relationships.
- Avoid attachment style- often leads to evading emotional closeness.
- Resistance (ambivalent) attachment style- fear of abandonment; disappointment in relationships.
- If both spouses are anxious and insecure, marriage will reflect those qualities.
- If one spouse is secure, other anxious person may become more secure.
Intergenerational Transmission of Divorce
- Parental divorce increases risk of martial instability and divorce in offspring. Why?
- More and more serious personality problems
- Lack of exposure to supportive community on problem solving skills
- Less commitment in relationships
- More accepting attitude towards divorce
Mate selection risk
Youth from divorced families more likely to select high risk partners, who are also from divorced families
attractiveness, intelligence, earning potential, personality, family status, emotionally supportive
"wrong" social class, religion or race/ethnic group, irritable or demanding
Women- ability to bear and raise children, domestic duties, sexual accessibility, physical attractiveness
Men- protection, status and economic support
group on individuals who, by virtue of their background or birth, are considered more likely compatible
Americans tend to marry people like themselves: similar race, age, education, religious background and social class
marrying someone dissimilar in race, age, education, religion and social class
Reasons for Homogamy:
- Geographical availability- proximity
- Education and social class
- Social pressure
- Feeling at home
- Stability- how long a union lasts
- Happiness of both partners
- Marriages that are homogenous in age, education, religion and race are most stable
Reasons for difference in marital success
- Differences in values and interests can create lack of understanding and increase conflict between spouses
- Discrimination from society created distress
- Lack of support and social networks
Developing the Premarital Relationship
- Physical attractiveness: attracts partners initially
- Rapport: do they feel at ease together, common values, matched on sex drive and attitudes about sex?
Harmonious needs in mate selection:
- Personal energy- better chance for success when your general energy level matches your partners.
- Outlook- how well do your attitudes and moods match? Is one person cheerful and the other one usually serious?
- Predictability- need for familiar patterns and places vs. need for variety
- Usually begins with a verb and psychological abuse
- Occurs with jealousy.
- Experiencing domestic violence in one's family of origin is related to both abusing and accepting abuse.
- Women often feel "stuck" and assume a caretaker role
Expectation of Permanence
Historically, marriage was practical, economical agreement between extended families
Expectation of Sexual Exclusivity
Emerged in order to maintain the patriarchal line of descent.
Alternatives to Sexual Exclusitivity:
Polygamy- Multiple spouses
Polyamory- Open to sexually love others than spouses
Swinging- Exchange of partners to engage in recreational sex
Emerging Individualistic Orientation:
- Authority of kin and extended family weakened
- Individuals began to find their own marriage partners
- Romantic love became associated with marriage
Based on dutiful adherence to time honored marriage premise, especially norm of permanence
- Single earner breadwinner, homemaker of the 1950's.
- Strict division of labor, but expected to be companions
- Roles are flexible: negotiable and renegotiable
- Expectation: love, communication and emotional intimacy
- Exists in diversity of family forms
- Gender equality
- Personal growth
Consequenses of Marriage for Spouses:
- Greater wealth and assets
- More frequent and better sex
- Overall better health
- Less likely to engage in risky, dangerous behavior
- Fewer alcohol related problems
- Healthier lifestyle
Consequenses of Marriage for Children:
- 1/2 as likely to drop out as children of single parents
- More frequent contact with parents and better quality
- Less likely to live in poverty
Demographic changes related to being single:
- 1970- 28% single
- Today- 44%
- Due in part to high divorce rate
- Young adults postponing marriage
- Growth of cohabitation
- Sex ratio- beginning in middle age, increasingly fewer men than women
Economic changes related to being single:
- Expanding educational and career opportunities for women
- Middle-aged divorced women with sexual and financial independence
- Economic disadvantage and uncertainty make marriage less available
Technological changes related to being single:
- More effective contraception
- Artificial insemination offers pregnancy options for un-partnered women
Cultural changes related to being single:
- Attitudes toward premarital sex have changed
- More emphasis on personal autonomy
- Being unmarried more acceptable and less deviant
- Cohabitation is more acceptable. Less parental pressure to marry.
- Marriage is no longer one of the few ways to gain adult status.