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Love is:
a deep and vital emotion that satisfies certain needs, combined with a caring for and acceptance of the beloved and resulting in an intimate relationship.
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Legitimate needs-
- (Being needs)
- Arise in the present rather than deficits from the past.
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Illegitimate needs-
- (Deficiency needs)
- count on others to make us feel worthwhile.
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Caring and acceptance-
accept partners for themselves, not for ability to change and meet another's requirements.
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Do men and women care differently?
- Both men and women want psychological and physical intimacy.
- Men are equally loving but women are primarily responsible for the success of love.
- Love is expressed verbally and women are more verbal.
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Triarchic Theory of Love-
3 components:
Intimacy- close connected bond with another person; intimate communication and sharing of oneself.
Passion- drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, sexual consummation.
Commitment- decision to love someone and commitment to maintain that love.
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Types of Love:
Consummate love- has all three components of Theory of Love
Companionate love- intimacy and commitment
Infatuation- passion is high, low on other components
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6 Love Styles:
- Eros
- Storage
- Pragma
- Agape
- Lodus
- Mania
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Eros
intense emotional attachment; powerful sexual feelings
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Storage
affectionate, companionate with mutual commitment, respect, friendship and common goals
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Pragma
rational assessment of partners assets and liabilities; relationship as economic and emotional security
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Agape
unselfish concern for others needs even when it requires personal sacrifice (altruistic)
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Lodus
love as play or fun; playful flirtation and sexuality
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Mania
- strong attraction and emotional intensity.
- Includes jealousy, moodiness (euphoria and depression)
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Martyring
- maintains relationships by consistently ignoring one's own legitimate needs.
- Can become angry victim
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Manipulating
seek to control feelings, attitudes and behaviors of partner in underhand ways.
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Martyrs and Manipulators in relationships:
- Often attract one another and form "symbiotic relationship"
- Expect each other to provide a sense of meaning or purpose
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Misconceptions about Love (Pat Love)
- Love equals infatuation
- If it isn't perfect it wasn't mean to be
- You can't rekindle passion
- One true soul mate; meet the right person and live happily ever after
- Love conquers all; if the going gets tough it means you have the wrong person
- Love is static; fall in love and stay on a high forever
- Love is a feeling; either you have it or you don't
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Attachment Theory, Mate Selection, and Marital Stability
- Children whose needs are met, form a secure attachment which leads to trust in relationships.
- Avoid attachment style- often leads to evading emotional closeness.
- Resistance (ambivalent) attachment style- fear of abandonment; disappointment in relationships.
- If both spouses are anxious and insecure, marriage will reflect those qualities.
- If one spouse is secure, other anxious person may become more secure.
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Intergenerational Transmission of Divorce
- Parental divorce increases risk of martial instability and divorce in offspring. Why?
- More and more serious personality problems
- Lack of exposure to supportive community on problem solving skills
- Less commitment in relationships
- More accepting attitude towards divorce
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Mate selection risk
Youth from divorced families more likely to select high risk partners, who are also from divorced families
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Resources:
attractiveness, intelligence, earning potential, personality, family status, emotionally supportive
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Costly attributes-
"wrong" social class, religion or race/ethnic group, irritable or demanding
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"Traditional Exchange"
Women- ability to bear and raise children, domestic duties, sexual accessibility, physical attractiveness
Men- protection, status and economic support
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Marriage pool-
group on individuals who, by virtue of their background or birth, are considered more likely compatible
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Homogamy
Americans tend to marry people like themselves: similar race, age, education, religious background and social class
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Heterogamy
marrying someone dissimilar in race, age, education, religion and social class
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Reasons for Homogamy:
- Geographical availability- proximity
- Education and social class
- Social pressure
- Feeling at home
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Martial success:
- Stability- how long a union lasts
- Happiness of both partners
- Marriages that are homogenous in age, education, religion and race are most stable
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Reasons for difference in marital success
- Differences in values and interests can create lack of understanding and increase conflict between spouses
- Discrimination from society created distress
- Lack of support and social networks
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Developing the Premarital Relationship
- Physical attractiveness: attracts partners initially
- Rapport: do they feel at ease together, common values, matched on sex drive and attitudes about sex?
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Harmonious needs in mate selection:
- Personal energy- better chance for success when your general energy level matches your partners.
- Outlook- how well do your attitudes and moods match? Is one person cheerful and the other one usually serious?
- Predictability- need for familiar patterns and places vs. need for variety
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Dating violence:
- Usually begins with a verb and psychological abuse
- Occurs with jealousy.
- Experiencing domestic violence in one's family of origin is related to both abusing and accepting abuse.
- Women often feel "stuck" and assume a caretaker role
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Expectation of Permanence
Historically, marriage was practical, economical agreement between extended families
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Expectation of Sexual Exclusivity
Emerged in order to maintain the patriarchal line of descent.
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Alternatives to Sexual Exclusitivity:
Polygamy- Multiple spouses
Polyamory- Open to sexually love others than spouses
Swinging- Exchange of partners to engage in recreational sex
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Emerging Individualistic Orientation:
- Authority of kin and extended family weakened
- Individuals began to find their own marriage partners
- Romantic love became associated with marriage
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Institutional Marriage
Based on dutiful adherence to time honored marriage premise, especially norm of permanence
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Companionate Marriage
- Single earner breadwinner, homemaker of the 1950's.
- Strict division of labor, but expected to be companions
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Individualized Marriage
- Optional
- Roles are flexible: negotiable and renegotiable
- Expectation: love, communication and emotional intimacy
- Exists in diversity of family forms
- Gender equality
- Personal growth
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Consequenses of Marriage for Spouses:
- Greater wealth and assets
- More frequent and better sex
- Overall better health
- Less likely to engage in risky, dangerous behavior
- Fewer alcohol related problems
- Healthier lifestyle
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Consequenses of Marriage for Children:
- 1/2 as likely to drop out as children of single parents
- More frequent contact with parents and better quality
- Less likely to live in poverty
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Demographic changes related to being single:
- 1970- 28% single
- Today- 44%
- Due in part to high divorce rate
- Young adults postponing marriage
- Growth of cohabitation
- Sex ratio- beginning in middle age, increasingly fewer men than women
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Economic changes related to being single:
- Expanding educational and career opportunities for women
- Middle-aged divorced women with sexual and financial independence
- Economic disadvantage and uncertainty make marriage less available
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Technological changes related to being single:
- More effective contraception
- Artificial insemination offers pregnancy options for un-partnered women
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Cultural changes related to being single:
- Attitudes toward premarital sex have changed
- More emphasis on personal autonomy
- Being unmarried more acceptable and less deviant
- Cohabitation is more acceptable. Less parental pressure to marry.
- Marriage is no longer one of the few ways to gain adult status.
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