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If your thoughts and feelings are easily distorted, what will usually arise?
When the 4 horsemen become deeply entrenched in your relationship, what will happen to your inner script?
It will become negative.
What is the innocent victim or IV position in argument?
- You will mainly feel fear.
- You see your spouse as an attacking monster.
- You feel unfairly accused, mistreated, and unappreciated.
What is RI or righteous indignation?
When you feel hurt and angry and want revenge.
What do stonewallers often harbour that fuels their silence?
RI or righteous indignation.
During confrontation, most couples have distressing thoughts that fall into one of two categories, what are those two categories?
- Innocent victim
- Righteous indignation
Can fear cause stonewalling?
What is one of the largest dangers to playing the innocent victim role?
By playing the innocent victim, the spouse will feel no responsibility for the conflict and then will not do anything to work on saving their marriage. They will think nothing is their fault.
People who are hit hard by contempt often have inner scripts filled with what?
You must have what 2 things to keep yourself from falling into the Innocent Victim or Righteous Indignation Traps?
What is the worst consequence of a negative script?
What is it called when you:
Feel unfairly attacked and misunderstood.
You are extremely hostile, defensive, or withdrawn.
You are out of control and constructive discussion is not possible?
What is the antidote to flooding?
Practice soothing yourself and your mate.
What is an underliner?
A way for your partner to emphasize something he or she is feeling rather than as a personal attack.
True or False: When you become flooded, your heart rate increases by 8BPM over base.
Chronic flooding occurs when we become what 2 things?
- Hyper vigilant
- Super defensive
When chronic flooding occurs what things will you experience?
- Thinking the worst thoughts possible.
- Become blind to good things.
- Stages of distance and isolation cascade.
What are the 5 things that will happen when chronic flooding occurs?
- See your marital problems as severe
- Talking things over with your spouse will seem useless.
- Start to lead parallel lives
- Rewriting history
Which sex is more likely to bring up hot topics in a marriage?
From an early age, how are girls taught to deal with emotions?
Navigate through them
From an early age, how are boys taught to deal with emotions?
How to avoid emotions.
In the happiest marriages, are there differences between how each expresses emotions?
What percent of stonewallers are men?
Where do differences between men and women originate?
By what are are frienships between boys and girls virtually non existent?
When it comes to games, what are boys more concerned about? What are girls more concerned about?
- Boys = Competing to win.
- Girls = Relationships between team members.
Men are more likely to be "too rational" and downplay emotions. True or False.
Which sex is more likely to criticize and complain about their spouse?
When a man withdraws from an emotional conversation, what does the women feel the need to do? Does this work?
- The women feels the need to chase and take it up a notch.
- This does not work.
What is "kitchen sinking"?
When women become overcome with emotion, the will start bringing up past and present issues, mixing them with sarcasm and contempt.
What adice should be taken by men in regards to emotional issues?
- Embrace her anger.
- Don't sidestep problems.
- Let her talk out her frustrations.
What advice should be taken by women in regards to emotional issues?
- Confront your husband gently.
- Try to bring up issues in a calm, gentile, kind manner.
Which marriage type can be described by the following:
Easy and calm.
Pick battles carefully.
Often live traditional sex roles.
no need for privacy.
Sacrifice personal development in favor of a strong bond.
Which marriage type fights like this:
Each airs views while the other listens.
Realize that understanding is not an agreement.
Each tries to convince the other.
Negotiate a settlement both can live with.
Which marriage type can be described by the following:
Conspire to dodge and hedge.
Agree to disagree.
Resolve issues by appealing to basic share of philosophy of life.
To solve problems they ignore their differences.
Time will take course.
They reaffirm the things they love and value in marriage and accentuate the positive. Accept the rest.
These are some negative aspects of what marital type:
Low level of companionship and sharing.
Unable to solve problems they can't avoid.
sometimes a lonely marriage.
Which marital type can be recognized by the following:
Skip the validation phase of compromising.
The fight hard and make up with passion.
Ride the emotional roller coaster.
See each other as equals.
Both expressive and nurturing.
Open with feelings.
The following down falls are characteristic to which marriage type:
When they lose sight of boundaries, the lose stability.
Constant teasing can lead to hurt feelings.
Uncensored feelings can hurt.
Must have high levels of positivity to balance negativity.
What is the Rx for criticism?
- Learn to state your grievances and complaints in a manner that your spouse will not take as a personal attack.
- Learn to make your criticism specific and state them as complaints.
What is the Rx for contempt?
- Increase 5:1 positive to negative
- Replace bad habit with expressions of genuine validation and admiration.
- It starts with controlling your thoughts.
What is the Rx for defensiveness?
- Calm down - take your pulse
- Recognize flooding - soothe your thoughts
- Master ways to speak and listen non-defensively
What is the Rx for stonewalling?
Change your distressed feelings to soothing/calm ones.
What is the cycle of negativity?
- Long cycles of negative responses.
- One response is met with a counter-negative.
- You are trapped.
What is the Rx for the cycle of negativity?
- Use repair mechanisms.
- Confront the problem agreeably.
- Increase positive to negative ratio.
- Learn to control your tongue.
What are distress maintaining thoughts?
- Negative thoughts set in stone destroy marriages.
- IV or RI can be the things dominating your thoughts.
- These things can lead to flooding.
What is the Rx for distress maintaining thoughts?
- Become aware of your negative thought patterns.
- You have power to change the way you think about others.
What is distance and isolation?
- Flooding leads to avoiding your partner.
- You feel your problems are severe and you start to lose hope.
- It's not worth talking about your problems.
- You emotionally divorce your partner, live parallel lives, and become lonely and vulnerable.
What is the Rx for distance and isolation?
- Learn to calm feelings and calm down so flooding doesn't happen.
- Back off when someone is flooded.
- Change distress maintaining thoughts and speak and listen non-defensively.
What 2 things did elder Maxwell suggest to keep your marriage happy?
Where is this quote from, "Life is too short and too hard to not feel safe with the one you love."
True or False: Marriages live by how well the arguments and grievances are aired.
The ability to communicate with a loved one is driven by what?
The negativity that is enveloping the marriage.
What are the 4 simple skills we need to "over learn" to resolve conflicts?
- Calm down.
- Speak and listen non-defensively.
- Over learning.
What are 2 reasons to calm down?
- Stop flooding.
- It eases the need to be defensive and stonewall.
Which sex usually needs to calm down more?
What is the Zillman Transfer Effect?
When you believe you have calmed down but are still psychologically aroused when you re-approach your spouse, you will be susceptible to taking on an emotion he or she expresses.
What are 3 advantages to speaking and listening non-defensively?
- Makes negativity less likely.
- Helps diffuse flooding.
- Lessens defensiveness in partner.
What are the best ways to stop defensive communication?
- Have a positive mind set about your spouse.
- Use praise and admiration in your relationship.
What kills praise and admiration?
Will constructive criticism help your marriage?
What 2 things can unseat the 4 horsemen?
When you are a listener, what skills can help to be non-defensive?
- Do not take things personal.
- The key to diffusing your partner's defensiveness is to be a good listener.
What are 7 ways to remove criticisms from complaints?
- Say how you feel.
- Don't criticize their personality.
- Don't insult, mock, or use sarcasm.
- Be direct.
- Stick with one complaint.
- Stick with one situation.
- Don't analyze your partner's personality.
- Don't mind read.
Putting yourself in your partner's shoes and imaging his or her emotional state. Then letting them know you understand how they feel is known as what?
In what way do men struggle with validation?
- They try to solve the problem.
- They just need to relax.
Lasting marriages lay on 2 kinds of bedrock, what are they?
- Agreeing with your spouse on the style for handling disagreements.
- Large dose of positivity.
Which marital type values autonomy and separateness?
Volatile and Avoidant
Which marital type likes their relationship to be dynamic and romantic?
Which marital type are good companions and best friends?
Which marital type is completely frank and honest?
Which marital types pick and choose when and what issues to address and underplay negativity?
Avoidant and validating.
Which marital type exhibits the following:
Which marital types stick to traditonal roles?
Validating and avoidant
Which marital type is known to negotiate and compromise?
What are 9 bits of advice for validating couples?
- Pick a good fighting style
- pick your battles carefully
- Acknowledge your spouse's viewpoint before expressing your own
- Don't sweat small stuff
- Moderate your emotions
- Trust your partner
- Enhance romance
- Stay lovers not buddies
- Seek shared experiences
What are 12 bits of advice for volatile couples?
- Sizzle is not a problem
- Unbridled passion can lead to contempt
- Edit your thoughts, words, and behavior.
- Learn to handle conflict in a way that demonstrates respect.
- Keep the 5-1 ratio
- Find what you will do and what you can't do
- Empathy and appreciation rather than criticism
- Express interest in your spouse
- Be polite
- Be direct and honest
- Communicate your affection often
- Be careful about teasing
What are 6 bits of advice for conflict avoiding couples?
- Level with your spouse when necessary.
- Turn to others for support.
- Create suggestion boxes.
- Can't stifle all needs for sake of peace.
- Get in touch with your feelings.
- Reaffirm basic beliefs about relationship.
What is the solution for denying responsibility?
Fess up and be accountable
What is the solution to cross complaining?
Remember that arguments are most constructive if you only discuss one issue at a time.
Solution to whining?
Don't do it.
Solution to rubber man or rubber woman?
Acknowledge you are not perfect and that your spouse may have a point.
Solution to summarizing-self syndrome?
Try recapping your partner's complaint
Forgiveness is the highest form of love.
If you want to become one, you must learn that "thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shall cleave unto her and none else."
Mature love is a determination to show thoughtful actions when there seems to be no reward for doing something.
Compassion: sympathetic concern and a desire to do something to help.
Tell your spouse you love them every day... in a different way. Then do something each day for them.
What is a negative marital history?
You can't remember anything good.
What are the 7 causes for the Demographic Winter?
- Growing population of working women.
- No fault divorce.
- Prosperous countries.
- Sexual revolution
What are the 6 consequences of the demographic winter?
- Aging population.
- Childless homes
- Gradual weakening of the west
- Abandoned cities
- Children suffer