kitchenwitches1-1.txt

Good afternoon everyone, and welcome to "Baking with Babcha". How are you all doing today? Good. Now - how many of you have ever been to the taping of a live TV show before? Okay, for you first-timers, let me tell you a little about what's going to happen here today. The show is live, which means that anything - and I mean anything can happen, and thanks to the generosity of your Community Service Station, Cable Access Four, and our sponsors, the Stirling Creamery, Duke's Bait and Tackle Shop and Wendy's Wicker World, the show will instantly be sent out over the airwaves and seen by... dozens of people.

Anyway... My name is Stephen Biddle, and I am Baking with Babcha's producer and director. And this is Roberta, our audio-visual assistant from the Department of Corrections Community Service Program. And in the back is Gail, our assistant director from the National Institute of Mental Health's Community Outreach Program.

It's our job to make sure that the show starts and ends on time and in between, see that you have a lot of fun, right Roberta? It's nice to see a couple of familiar faces here today... hello there, Mrs. Hutchinson - how's the rash? Good... and there's good old George... George? Babcha wanted me to let you know she got your letter- and she thought your idea for using Babcha's Chocolate Syrup was really interesting.

Unfortunately, health regulations forbid us from having Babcha, uh... "dip you in it from head to toe" as you suggest.... You're not a well man, George.

Excuse me, folks - Roberta is letting me know that we'll be live in just one minute - be right back. ... One minute, Babcha!

Stephen: [To audience.] Okay. Since today is our very last show, how about we bring Babcha on with the biggest round of applause ever! Just watch the sign and when it llights up, give it everything you got. Ready on camera one, Gail? Great. Have fun everyone! Fifteen seconds, Babcha! Have a great show!

They're going to be a great audience, Babcha - best we've ever had!

You know I always check the props...

Ma! Five seconds! I gotta go!

In... three... two... cue music! Your Community Service Station, Cable Access Four, is proud to present the final live broadcast of... Baking with Babcha!

[signal her to move on]

Babcha...

Hello peoples at home! Okay, Babcha...

Four days, Ma.

Oh, please don't.

Okay, that's enough, Babcha...

Ma!

Back to the show?

Today's apron has been generously donated by... Cindy's Cellar of Sin... ? What the...

Now, Babcha - you know the rules! No snacking!

Oh, God...

No...

[Sneak in to take bottle.]

Yes, we do, Babcha! This is from Sophie, all the way from Colorado Springs.

"Dear Babcha, I really enjoy your show. You're so good at giving advice with your recipes, so I'm writing in the hope that you can help me."

"My husband and I get along pretty good, but we've been married for fourteen years now. Lately, we've been having problems in the bedroom..." Oh, God.

Uh... okay. "He says it's like having the same dinner every Friday night. Babcha, I'm afraid he's thinking about trying someone else's hot pot. What should I do? Yours hopefully, Sophie."

That's Stirling Creamery Butter made the good old fashioned family way for over seventy-five years!

Our next letter is from Jane in Berthoud. She writes, "Dear Babcha, I have been watching you since the other Cable Four cooking show..." Uh, I'm sorry, Babcha, that's the wrong letter.

It's nothing, Babcha...

Uh... okay. "Dear Babcha, I've been watching you since the other Cable Four cooking show was cancelled last month. I was wondering, do you know Isobel Lomax, the hostess of "Busy Izzy" and if so, can you get me her recipe for Steak and Kidney Pie? Yours sincerely, Jane in Berthoud.

Okay, Babcha! It's time to take a little break and show the viewers at home our community service announcements!

We're clear. I've got to make a quick phone call, but I'll be right back, so Ma? No snacking... and no booze - behave yourself! Keep an eye on her, would you, Roberta? Thanks... [exit]

[Entering and getting between them] Stop!!! What the hell is going on here?

[Ad lib getting word in edgewise for a few seconds.] Everybody... time out! Sorry folks. Babcha - please go back to your Borscht. And Miss Lomax, I think you should leave.

What?

I... Ma, you know I have a bad back...

Look, can't you two just shake hands and call it a day?

Ladies!

Wait a minute, you know something about the night my father died?

All you told me was that he had a heart attack.

You mean - he died while you were.

I think I'm gonna throw up.

Wrap it up, ladies...

Stay tuned for Macrame with Sister Mary Mildred, coming up next on Cable Access Four.

We're clear.

Well, that was one way to leave show business.

Excuse me.

Hello?

Just a minute, Miss Lomax - it's for you.

Okay, Ma. Let's start packing this stuff up.

I'll drive you home. We'll talk about it later...

Tell them... tell them I wrote it.

Here. Let me handle this. Stephen Biddle... Oh, Mrs. Patterson! So nice of you to call...

Stephen: [To women] Shhhh... [To phone] You did? Really?

Yes... And will he... All right - yes, of course, I'll tell them. No, thank you, ma'am.

Kate says she loved the show today. Said it beat her favorite programs, Martha Stewart and Jerry Springer. She can't wait to see you again next week...

Let me finish. She can't wait to see both of you again next week in this brilliant new show format. Then if next week is as good as this week, she'll make sure husband Hugh makes it part of the regular programming.

That's what she wants.

I think that's the idea.

All right! All right! If you both think this is such a bad idea, I will call Kate and tell her that neither of you are willing to continue with the show.

You can both retire and look forward to years of undisturbed peace and tranquility. Maybe even move into one of those nice retirement homes. Endless hours of sitting quietly on the porch, learning macrame with Sister Mary Mildred... Cups of tea and hame sandwiches on unbuttered white bread... Bedtime at 8:30. Unless...

Unless we do script the show.

I will create dialogue that you will both follow precisely. We can make up things for you to say that are scandalous and outrageous enough to keep the fans happy, but you won't have to air your own stories. What do you say?

I'll get you separate dressing rooms. Ladies - it seems to me that we don't have much to lose. I know I don't. So what do you say?

Great! I'll set up a meeting with the Pattersons, start a script outline and get teh ball rolling... We'll need a new name...

I think I have it! How about... The Kitchen Witches!

Roberta? Go get me a pack of Nicorette and a large bottle of Tylonol - it's going to be a bumpy ride... [take swig of rum]