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Opening of play
Good afternoon everyone, and welcome to "Baking with Babcha". How are you all doing today? Good. Now - how many of you have ever been to the taping of a live TV show before? Okay, for you first-timers, let me tell you a little about what's going to happen here today. The show is live, which means that anything - and I mean anything can happen, and thanks to the generosity of your Community Service Station, Cable Access Four, and our sponsors, the Stirling Creamery, Duke's Bait and Tackle Shop and Wendy's Wicker World, the show will instantly be sent out over the airwaves and seen by... dozens of people.
Stephen: ...the show will instantly be sent out over the airwaves and seen by... dozens of people.
Anyway... My name is Stephen Biddle, and I am Baking with Babcha's producer and director. And this is Roberta, our audio-visual assistant from the Department of Corrections Community Service Program. And in the back is Gail, our assistant director from the National Institute of Mental Health's Community Outreach Program.
Stephen: And in the back is Gail, our assistant director from the National Institute of Mental Health's Community Outreach Program.
It's our job to make sure that the show starts and ends on time and in between, see that you have a lot of fun, right Roberta? It's nice to see a couple of familiar faces here today... hello there, Mrs. Hutchinson - how's the rash? Good... and there's good old George... George? Babcha wanted me to let you know she got your letter- and she thought your idea for using Babcha's Chocolate Syrup was really interesting.
Stephen: ...and she thought your idea for using Babcha's Chocolate Syrup was really interesting.
Unfortunately, health regulations forbid us from having Babcha, uh... "dip you in it from head to toe" as you suggest.... You're not a well man, George.
Stephen: You're not a well man, George.
Roberta: [Signals 1 minute.]
Excuse me, folks - Roberta is letting me know that we'll be live in just one minute - be right back. ... One minute, Babcha!
Stephen: ...be right back. ... One minute, Babcha!
Dolly: Hokey dokey!
Stephen: [To audience.] Okay. Since today is our very last show, how about we bring Babcha on with the biggest round of applause ever! Just watch the sign and when it llights up, give it everything you got. Ready on camera one, Gail? Great. Have fun everyone! Fifteen seconds, Babcha! Have a great show!
Stephen: Fifteen seconds, Babcha! Have a great show!
Dolly: Are they good audience?
They're going to be a great audience, Babcha - best we've ever had!
Stephen: They're going to be a great audience, Babcha - best we've ever had!
Dolly: Stephen, did you check the props...
You know I always check the props...
Stephen: You know I always check the props...
Dolly: Did you check mail...
Ma! Five seconds! I gotta go!
Stephen: Ma! Five seconds! I gotta go!
Dolly: So go already, vot's keeping you?
In... three... two... cue music! Your Community Service Station, Cable Access Four, is proud to present the final live broadcast of... Baking with Babcha!
Dolly: ...Bolsheviks who run TV station, I tell you, they don't know nothing...
[signal her to move on]
Dolly: Have you met my boy Stephen? No? Come here, Stephen, come...
Dolly: Stephen is wonderful producer, wonderful director, and wonderful Babcha son! Say Hello to peoples at home, dear.
Hello peoples at home! Okay, Babcha...
Dolly: ...quit smoking! Such a good boy. How many days you quit now, Stephen?
Four days, Ma.
Dolly: Four days and no cancer stick, isn't that something? And you know what else?
Oh, please don't.
Dolly: Stephen is single! Can you believe it girls?
Okay, that's enough, Babcha...
Dolly: And he got nice car, own apartment, he got no job now and hair is getting little thin, but...
Dolly: ...and hair is getting little thin, but...
Back to the show?
Dolly: So today is last show, I am cooking special Last Ukrainian Supper. So on go the apron!
Today's apron has been generously donated by... Cindy's Cellar of Sin... ? What the...
Dolly: We make yummy, yummy potato and cheese pyrohy [she takes mouthful of cheese]
Now, Babcha - you know the rules! No snacking!
Dolly: Girls at home - you write letter to Babcha and maybe I make blind date, eh?
Dolly: Today we make Ukrainian Rhum Baba... Poppy Seed Rum Cake! [She pulls out flask of rum.]
Dolly: Always use best ingredients... Babcha must taste rum for quality... [takes a drink] Hmmm... I think is okay... [takes another drink]
[Sneak in to take bottle.]
Dolly: And now we chop, and we answer Babcha's mail. Stephen, we have letter?
Yes, we do, Babcha! This is from Sophie, all the way from Colorado Springs.
Stephen: This is from Sophie, all the way from Colorado Springs.
Dolly: Hello, Sophie dear!
"Dear Babcha, I really enjoy your show. You're so good at giving advice with your recipes, so I'm writing in the hope that you can help me."
Stephen: "...You're so good at giving advice with your recipes, so I'm writing in the hope that you can help me."
Dolly: Okay, sure! I am everwhere ears.
"My husband and I get along pretty good, but we've been married for fourteen years now. Lately, we've been having problems in the bedroom..." Oh, God.
Stephen: "Lately, we've been having problems in the bedroom..." Oh, God.
Dolly: Come on, Stephen, is good letter! Read, read, read!
Uh... okay. "He says it's like having the same dinner every Friday night. Babcha, I'm afraid he's thinking about trying someone else's hot pot. What should I do? Yours hopefully, Sophie."
Dolly: Now we put beets and onions and carrot into frying pan with good plop of butter...
That's Stirling Creamery Butter made the good old fashioned family way for over seventy-five years!
Dolly: Hello everyone at Stirling Creamery, hello! Okay! Next letter!
Our next letter is from Jane in Berthoud. She writes, "Dear Babcha, I have been watching you since the other Cable Four cooking show..." Uh, I'm sorry, Babcha, that's the wrong letter.
Stephen: She writes, "Dear Babcha, I have been watching you since the other Cable Four cooking show..." Uh, I'm sorry, Babcha, that's the wrong letter.
Dolly: No, no, Stephen dear. What is in letter?
It's nothing, Babcha...
Stephen: It's nothing, Babcha...
Dolly: Read letter.
Uh... okay. "Dear Babcha, I've been watching you since the other Cable Four cooking show was cancelled last month. I was wondering, do you know Isobel Lomax, the hostess of "Busy Izzy" and if so, can you get me her recipe for Steak and Kidney Pie? Yours sincerely, Jane in Berthoud.
Dolly: One. Stupid name. Two. Stupid food. Three. Stupid woman...
Okay, Babcha! It's time to take a little break and show the viewers at home our community service announcements!
Dolly: Okay - you watch announcements, nice peoples, then come right back for rest of Last Ukrainian Supper. Okay! Bye - bye!
We're clear. I've got to make a quick phone call, but I'll be right back, so Ma? No snacking... and no booze - behave yourself! Keep an eye on her, would you, Roberta? Thanks... [exit]
Isobel: You can pry this from my cold, dead hand!
Dolly: Fine by me!
[Entering and getting between them] Stop!!! What the hell is going on here?
Stephen: Stop!!! What the hell is going on here?
[Dolly and Isobel talk over each other for a while.]
[Ad lib getting word in edgewise for a few seconds.] Everybody... time out! Sorry folks. Babcha - please go back to your Borscht. And Miss Lomax, I think you should leave.
Stephen: ...And Miss Lomax, I think you should leave.
Isobel: Make me.
Dolly: Well? What are you waiting for? Drag her out!
I... Ma, you know I have a bad back...
Stephen: I... Ma, you know I have a bad back...
Dolly/Isobel: Just like his father.
Look, can't you two just shake hands and call it a day?
Dolly: I bet those falsies burned for a week.
Dolly: Now that's an outright lie!
Isobel: He told me so the night he died.
Wait a minute, you know something about the night my father died?
Stephen: Wait a minute, you know something about the night my father died?
Isobel: Of course...
Dolly: Stephen, dear - you don't need to hear this...
All you told me was that he had a heart attack.
Dolly: How do you tell a six-year-old that his daddy was in a No-Tell Motel getting busy with Izzy?
You mean - he died while you were.
Isobel: Yep. It wasn't so much a heart attack as a coronary orgasm.
I think I'm gonna throw up.
Dolly: The shame of it all. We had to arrange a closed coffin.
Isobel: Yeah. They couldn't get the smile off his face.
[Roberta signals one minute.]
Wrap it up, ladies...
Dolly: So - everybodys... remember to eat good, enjoy life and most important... wash your hands!
Stay tuned for Macrame with Sister Mary Mildred, coming up next on Cable Access Four.
Isobel: And Busy Izzy!
Dolly: Saying Goodbye!
Isobel: And good cooking!
Dolly: Goodbye George, dear - don't forget to drop me a line once in a while. Good-bye, Mrs. H!
Well, that was one way to leave show business.
Isobel: Despite the unfortunate circumstances - Stephen, it was nice meeting you.
[Roberta whistles to notify me of phone call.]
Stephen: Excuse me [answering phone]
Isobel: It seems that my work here is done. My lawyer will be in touch.
Stephen: [on phone]
Isobel: ...But here is my very last word to you - Goodbye!
Just a minute, Miss Lomax - it's for you.
Dolly: Satan. He wants to know when you'll be home.
Isobel: [To phone.] Hello?
Okay, Ma. Let's start packing this stuff up.
Stephen: Okay, Ma. Let's start packing this stuff up.
Dolly: Stephen dear, about your Dad...
I'll drive you home. We'll talk about it later...
Dolly: They say that was the funniest show they've ever seen, they loved it and did we have someone write the script or did we improvize?
Tell them... tell them I wrote it.
Stephen: Tell them... tell them I wrote it.
Dolly: We improvized... Oh, yes, that was all made up! Well, thank you so much, girls... yes. You too! Bye bye! There's another call.
Here. Let me handle this. Stephen Biddle... Oh, Mrs. Patterson! So nice of you to call...
Isobel: Is that Kate Patterson?
Stephen: [To women] Shhhh... [To phone] You did? Really?
Isobel: Kate is the wife of station manager Hugh Patterson, you dolt!
Yes... And will he... All right - yes, of course, I'll tell them. No, thank you, ma'am.
Stephen: [To phone] Yes... And will he... All right - yes, of course, I'll tell them. No, thank you, ma'am.
Kate says she loved the show today. Said it beat her favorite programs, Martha Stewart and Jerry Springer. She can't wait to see you again next week...
Stephen: ...She can't wait to see you again next week...
Dolly: But I won't be on next week!
Let me finish. She can't wait to see both of you again next week in this brilliant new show format. Then if next week is as good as this week, she'll make sure husband Hugh makes it part of the regular programming.
Isobel: You mean - she wants us on the air again?
That's what she wants.
Dolly: ...and the other charged with murder! We've hated each other almost forty years!
I think that's the idea.
Dolly: Ha! You're about as private as Lady Gaga's cleavage!
All right! All right! If you both think this is such a bad idea, I will call Kate and tell her that neither of you are willing to continue with the show.
Stephen: All right! All right! If you both think this is such a bad idea, I will call Kate and tell her that neither of you are willing to continue with the show.
You can both retire and look forward to years of undisturbed peace and tranquility. Maybe even move into one of those nice retirement homes. Endless hours of sitting quietly on the porch, learning macrame with Sister Mary Mildred... Cups of tea and hame sandwiches on unbuttered white bread... Bedtime at 8:30. Unless...
Stephen: Cups of tea and hame sandwiches on unbuttered white bread... Bedtime at 8:30. Unless...
Unless we do script the show.
Stephen: Unless we do script the show.
Dolly: What do you mean, dear?
I will create dialogue that you will both follow precisely. We can make up things for you to say that are scandalous and outrageous enough to keep the fans happy, but you won't have to air your own stories. What do you say?
Dolly: No way I'd share my dressing room with her.
I'll get you separate dressing rooms. Ladies - it seems to me that we don't have much to lose. I know I don't. So what do you say?
Stephen: Ladies - it seems to me that we don't have much to lose. I know I don't. So what do you say?
Dolly/Isobel: Let's try it./Count me in.
Great! I'll set up a meeting with the Pattersons, start a script outline and get teh ball rolling... We'll need a new name...
Isobel: Since when?
Dolly: Since God said "Let there be light" and you threw the switch!
I think I have it! How about... The Kitchen Witches!
Isobel: Here is my card, Stephen. Call me with the details. Kitchen witches, indeed... Get the hell out of my way!
Roberta? Go get me a pack of Nicorette and a large bottle of Tylonol - it's going to be a bumpy ride... [take swig of rum]