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. What would you like to do?
Opening of Act 1 Scene 2
Roberta, have you seen them? Damn, Nine a.m. sharp, I said. We have the studio for exactly one hour to rehearse, so be prompt, I said. Where the hell is the new sign... Roberta! Roberta! Beautiful! Now all we need are the witches...
Stephen: Roberta! Roberta! Beautiful! Now all we need are the witches...
Isobel: Good morning, Stephen! Isn't it a lovely day!
Witch number one! Miss Lomax, where -
Stephen: Witch number one! Miss Lomax, where -
Isobel: Oh, just Isobel, dear. No need to be so formal.
All right - Isobel - Have you seen Dolly?
Stephen: All right - Isobel - Have you seen Dolly?
Dolly Biddle. My mother. Your co-host.
Stephen: Dolly Biddle. My mother. Your co-host.
Isobel: Oh, I almost forgot all about her. Isn't she here?
No. [resume pacing]
Oh, well. I'm sure she'll be along, dear - don't get yourself so agitated! You know you'll just end up with an ulcer.
I don't have room for another ulcer.
Isobel: Stephen dear - is that my name I see on Dressing Room... Two?
And Dolly's on Dressing Room... One?
Isobel: So why does she get the room closest to the set?
Isobel: Dear, dressing room One is clearly closer to the set.
Uh... it is?
Isobel: That wouldn't have anyting to do with the little bit of nepotism going on here, would it...
Isobel: ... you being her sone and all. Of course, it's natural for a boy to want his mother to have the best of everything...
I honestly never...
Isobel: ...but I'm sure you don't want Mr. Patterson to know you're playing favorites this early in the game, do you?
I've never played favorites in my life...
Stephen: I've never played favorites in my life...
Isobel: She's not here yet, you say?
Isobel: Well, dear, back in the days of my youth, we had a tradition that the early bird got the first pick of whatever was being handed out. So if you don't mind, I'll just get my things sorted and I'll be back in a flash to start rehearsing! Ta-ta!
Isobel: I'll be back in a flash to start rehearsing! Ta-ta!
Witch number two...
Stephen: Witch number two...
Dolly: Good morning, Stephen! Isn't it a beautiful day!
Where have you been? Rehearsal was supposed to start...
Dolly: Oh, I just thought I'd pick up a few necessities. You know how I like everything nice and fresh... put those down on the counter, Roberta dear. Here's the receipt,you can pay me back later... where's Isobel?
In her dressing room.
Stephen: In her dressing room.
Dolly: Oh. Well, then, I'll just go powder my nose...
Dolly: Oh. Well, then, I'll just go powder my nose...
Stephen: Not there!
You're in dressing room... Two.
Dolly: Now, Stephen, you know I always have Dressing Room One. It's closer to the set. It's got better lighting. It's dressing room ONE!
Ma, they're exactly the same...
Stephen: Ma, they're exactly the same...
Dolly: I thought with my asthma, mild diabetes, and heart condition...
You don't have a heart condition... Ma, Isobel got here first, so it's her dressing room now!
Stephen: You don't have a heart condition... Ma, Isobel got here first, so it's her dressing room now!
Dolly: Oh. I see.
Dolly: I'm your mother and you don't want to be accused of favoritism, so I'm going to get the short end of the stick. [starts to cry]
Please don't, I beg you...
Dolly: Except a little consideration in my old age... a little kindness now and again...
Are you done?
Dolly: I'll just go quietly to my dressing room... the faraway dressing room... and rest for a few moments... take my medication and get my strength back... then I'll be ready to go on...
Roberta? Patch me. Please patch me.
Isobel: Okay, ready when you are... Stephen. What are these?
Isobel: We must have olives imported from Italy, packaged in their own oil and blessed with Mediterranean sunshine!
On whose budget?
Isobel: Take my advice, dear - life is just too short to nitpick about silly things like money. Oh, by the way, here are my gas receipts.
Isobel, can't you make do with these things, just for today?
Stephen: Isobel, can't you make do with these things, just for today?
As a favor to me? Please...?
Isobel: Just because you're so damn cute! You know, you're much more handsome than your father was.
Am I? I don't remember him much - I know him mostly by photos.
Isobel: Larry - your Dad - wasn't much to look at, but he had a certain charm, a certain... air about him. Made him completely irrisistable...
Isobel: Oh, I'm sorry. I keep forgetting that I'm the "other woman". Does that bother you?
It's... a little weird.
Isobel: If there's something you'd like to know about your father, ask me. If not, we don't ever have to talk about it again. Deal?
Deal. Thank you, Isobel.
Isobel: Now, Stephen. Are you just going to stand around chatting all day, or are we going to start rehearsal?
Rehearsal. Right... I'll just go and see if Camille has finished with her death scene.
Stephen: ...death scene. [knock on Dressing Room Two]
We're ready, Ma.
Dolly: [Exits dressing room] I was just finishing taking my medicine...
[Enter, then come back out with bottle] Since when is Southern Comfort medicine?
Stephen: [Enter, then come back out with bottle] Since when is Southern Comfort medicine?
Dolly: I need a little energy for rehearsal.
Ma, you've got to stop drinking! Especially stuff like this.
Stephen: Ma, you've got t stop drinking! Especially stuff like this.
Dolly: Oh, what does that old quack know? He still believes in applying leeches!
You promised me!
Isobel: As you recall, I was always ahead of each fashion trend, which was better than being behind it like some people I could mention...
All right, ladies, how about we just give each other a little space and focus on the audience, and the cameras, and the food!
All right!!! Sorry. On we go... Now, you already know we're calling the show "The Kitchen Witches" and I've written a script that I tink is pretty good...
Dolly: For you, maybe. I can tell the difference between salt and sugar.
Isobel: Are you implying that I can't?
Stop it! Both of you! Look. I know if we all put our energy together we can come up with something really, really special.
Stephen: ...Stop it! Both of you! Look. I know if we all put our energy together we can come up with something really, really special.
See our cute little Kitchen Witch here? She's not happy when she's down here on the ground, bickering, is she? "Where's the salt? Where's the sugar? You're stupid! No, you are?" No! She wants to rise above it all and soar like an eagle!
Dolly: Who are you calling a turkey, you scrawny-necked buzzard?
Isobel: I calls 'em as I sees 'em!
Ladies! Focus! Please, for the love of... Look. If you two want to be treated as professionals, it's time you started acting that way!
Dolly: Apology accepted.
Isobel: Go ahead.
Dolly: Yes, go ahead, dear.
All right! Now we have a lot to go over today, so the first thing we'll do is...
Stephen: All right! Now we have a lot to go over today, so the first thing we'll do is...
Dolly: Decide what kind of aprons we should wear.
No, we should...
Dolly/Isobel: What the hell is that? I'm not wearing that.
Please... Just... one favor before I die. Could we... maybe... open our scripts?!
Dolly: Well, of course!
Isobel: Why didn't you say so?
Dolly: My goodness, dear, you don't have to make such a fuss.
Good. Good. Now. What we're going to be doing each week is focusing on recipes from one part of the world.
Isobel: You mean, like French cooking one week...
Dolly: ...Italian the next?
Exactly. Terry's Travel is our show sponsor, so...
Dolly: And we could wear different costumes and things!
Isobel: I am not going to wear any costumes!
We don't have that much money in the budget, Ma.
Isobel: Would you two mind very much dropping this "Ma" business? I find it quite unprofessional.
No, no - Isobel is right. First names for everyone, across the board. Is that okay with you - Dolly?
DOLLY: You have no right whatsoever to ear it.
ISOBEL: I've been wearing this for over thirty years.
DOLLY: That doesn't make it right.
Isobel... Dolly... the script! Now, we'll play the new jingle, something like "They'll keep you in stitches, the Kitchen Witches"...
STEPHEN: something like "They'll keep you in stitches, the Kitchen Witches"...
ISOBEL/DOLLY: Isn't that clever!/Cute!
I say, "Your Community Service Station, Cable Access Four, is proud to present the premiere broadcast of... The Kitchen Witches!" Then the camera pans down to the two of you standing behind the counter and... [point the go finger at them].
DOLLY: Why does she get the first line?
I tossed a coin.
ISOBEL: Couldn't I say something more interesting, like... "A witchy welcome to one and all!"
DOLLY: Oh, that is better, Stephen...
All right, fine! Say that.
STEPHEN: All right, fine! Say that.
DOLLY: Although I think it would be stronger if we both said it!
Great! You both say it. Let's start again! [pause] What?
STEPHEN: Great! You both say it. Let's start again! [pause] What?
ISOBEL: We're waiting for you to cue us.
[Heavy sigh... cue them.]
ISOBEL: And how about if we had a couldron here on the counter, kind of smoking...
DOLLY: Oo, yes!
NO! No cauldrons! Remember, it's not a show about witches, it's a show about cooking and dishing some dirt.
STEPHEN: NO! No cauldrons! Remember, it's not a show about witches, it's a show about cooking and dishing some dirt.
Okay. We've said hello. It took 15 minutes, but we've said hello. Go on. [Pause, then exagerated "cue" motion.]
DOLLY: "On today's show we're going to feature classic recipes from the old south..." Why the old south?
Terry's Travel has a special on Carolina getaways, so I thought we'd tie it in.
ISOBEL: "And speaking of old, did you know that Dolly doesn't have an enemy in the world? She's outlived them all."
ISOBEL: Stephen - is that supposed to be funny or argumentative?
Uh - both, I thought.
ISOBEL: Oh. All right... your turn.
DOLLY: "Well, you look like a million. Every year of it..."
DOLLY: Stephen, dear. Did you write this all by yourself?
Well, I haven't had much time, you know...
ISOBEL: Maybe we should just ad-lib the opening bit...
No! I think it's safer to stick to the script.
ISOBEL: Doesn't matter what I say, the two of you will gang up on me and do whatever you want! I see the way this is going!
DOLLY: Stephen, if you wish to discuss this further, I will be in my dressing room. That would be the aptly-named... number two!
[after a pause] Okay. That went pretty well.
What would you like to do?
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