MIND CANDY 1
Card Set Information
MIND CANDY 1
MIND CANDY 1
MIND CANDY 2
"You're a jerk!"
—Don't include me!
"You're also a liar!"
—Maybe it's you.
"You're better than me?"
—Keep that in the back of your mind.
"You're a loser."
—Part of one big machine.
"You made a mistake."
—It's a good place to start.
"I'll just let you stew in your own juices."
—We have a special today.
"Well, now you're putting ME down – and my cousin."
—You're trying to throw me off my case.
—You have to be on the sidewalk
for your head to be in the stars.
[The bird, the finger]
—Quick reflexes! Stick it in your ear! Slit your throat!
That's your IQ! Tattoo that on your forehead!
"Everyone hates the music, Todd,
and everyone hates you!"
—All night long.
"Is this something original, or did you learn it from someone?"
—The land that time forgot.
"Are you still on drugs?"
—Am I missing something?
—You don't need to throw yourself
into the fires of abandonment.
"Help me, I'm going fucking crazy."
"Was that too hard for you?" [After you've backed out of a Mexican standoff]
—I was only born yesterday.
"Do you hate me?"
—I got me own racket.
"Have you been following me?"
—I'm about as far away from that as you can get.
"Clueless! Get a clue."
—Every ball of string unravels.
"Is that my notebook? I have one just like it."
—Get out of there!
"Are you gay?"
—Didn't your mother tell you not to talk to strangers?
"Hey, Richard, how's it hanging? –
I like your faggot shoes."
—Tell me about it!
—It's funny who wants to get stuck on the farm
and who doesn't.
—Just like you.
"No sale, not today."
—Some do, some don't.
"I feel stupid."
—What you want to do is try a lot of things.
"You're so weird."
—It takes one to know one!
"So what happens when you set a variable to space space space A space space space B and then ECHO that variable?"
—It's not what you think.
["What country are you from?"]
"We're from overseas."
—You're on the run.
"An honest guy."
—What's better than that?
"You have a book on the table that's a gem; it's a book
I happen to know a lot about."
—Do you want to look at it?
"Mean People Rule."
"I just wish I could believe you."
—Those stubborn, stubborn facts.
"You've got writer's block."
—Shhh! ... I'm inside it.
"Are they your dogs?"
—Why do you ask?
"Where is the evidence?"
—What for? I'm not in show biz.
"Well, good luck." [Disingenuously]
"Stay sober, now, will you?"
—You could teach me.
"Did you buy it new?"
—You don't need anything.
"The honeymoon is over."
—Who's the master – the machine or the man?
"Whose rude child is that at the end of the table?"
—Are you the woman I bit at the last full moon?
"How much rent do you pay?"
—You don't even have to be there ... Never buy horses!
"Run, Toto!" [Mickey Mouse voice]
"What's your name?"
—It's just another friend – Which one?
"What's your first name? ... your middle name?"
—Hydrogen ... H.
"What is that smell? – What's your last name?"
—One ugly thing after another – Hydrogen. You must be Helium.
"What's her name?" [Your daughter's]
"You said something different yesterday."
—1. Yes. 2. No. 3. After Halloween. 4. I was wrong.
"Well, you see, now? That's a different story you're telling now."
—Let's forget it! – I can see you're not serious.
"What do you mean, he was coming at you?"
—He must have been drunk.
"In your dreams."
—You won't regret it.
"How do you ask for a raise?"
—How about a raise? Don't you think I deserve it?
I think I've been doing really good.
"You almost ran over that guy, but who cares?"
—I'll watch for that.
"I think you should apologize.
—With or without laces? ...
I apologize to all the shoes.
—YOU'RE THE EXPERT!
"What are you doing sitting in the dark like a mushroom?"
—Welcome to the old country!
"Whatever turns you on."
"A lot of butter there."
—I'm really looking forward to being dead.
"A lot of cholesterol, man!"
—I'm going right home and slit my throat.
"Are we mean people?"
—If men were angels, we wouldn't need laws.
"You're having an identity crisis."
—If men weren't monkeys, we wouldn't need cages.
"Speak for yourself!"
—The deepest parts of you are the smartest.
"These are fake comebacks."
—Never noticed it, huh?
"I guess we can't go dancing!"
—The first step is to slow down.
"You'd like that a lot."
—I have my own rules.
"I call him dumb-ass; you know, term of endearment."
—It's just if you're nursing.
"When does your flight leave?"
—Don't tell anyone my secret.
"HOW ARE YOU DOING, SIR? I AM YOUR HOST." [Busboy in a cafeteria, surprising you]
"Am I in your way?"
—That would be serious.
—Everyone knows you have to go slow.
"How do you do that?"
—It's not so easy to do.
"Hey! This tastes good for a change."
—The less you know, the better.
["Who, me?"] "Yeah, you white man!"
—What's wrong with being strong?
"After twenty-four years, does the sex go bad?"
—[After a pause] What do you do when someone insults you or tells you you're no good?
"I'll take that as a compliment."
—I don't think it's bad or anything.
"Boy, you're a barrel of laughs today, David." [Not!]
—It'll get even worse, you'll see.
"Older than dirt!"
—The people who try to be good always get into trouble.
"Don't you think we're a little old for this?"
—The bad people always do better.
"So, what's your point?"
—Hopefully there is no point –
There's just a nice comfortable chair.
"Today's your special day!"
"Well, good for you!"
—It's good for anyone.
"Remember, only one person can win,
so please give a big round of applause
to our third runner-up (It's you, honey!)"
"What is the greatest thing a person can know?"
—This, too, shall pass.
"I would expect you to know how
to take people where they're going."
—If this wasn't hard, everyone would be rich.
"It's not what you know; it's who you know."
—It takes two to tangle.
"You didn't know that?"
—It wasn't special, let's put it that way.
"It's really none of your business –
That's of no importance to you."
—It's a great advantage to have friends –
It really helps.
"Go fuck yourself! ... Why don't you go fuck yourself?"
—It's not worth it ...
Don't sell yourself short.
—To be with the rest of your kind.
"I'll show you mine if you show me yours."
"You're such a doll!"
—I'm not an angel.
"I'm with the clown."
—The kindergarten is somewhere else.
—Having a nice time is the only safe thing.
"You shut up, ASSHOLE! Just shut up, ASSHOLE! I don't want to talk to you, ASSHOLE!"
—It doesn't matter ... It's always in the dark ...
Have you been there?
"Yes, sir?" [Challenging you as you walk in]
"Berkeley Municipal Code 14.36.030 C
Prohibited Parking - Red Curb 33.00."
[The day before Christmas Eve]
—Do you ever get angry when you swim underwater?
"That's adorable. [Your diamond ring] It's all he could afford, huh?"
—Okay, there must be some smart ones.
"What the hell is wrong with you?"
—Who sold you the map?
"YOU KNOW THIS IS A SIDEWALK. YOU SHOULD CLEAR THE WAY."
—I like law and order, too.
"There he is ... It must be two o'clock."
—Don't tell me the end – I haven't seen it.
"Would you ask her to call me when she comes in?"
—You better send an E-mail in case I forget.
"In this country, all the mainstream media and
newspapers are run by the Jews."
—I would check that out.
"How is it?" [Your steak, veggies, potato, wine, service, conversation, vacation, sunburn, horror, tablecloth, salad dressing, soup, ....]
—It's perfect ... Just right! ... Pretty special.
"Is your show on?"
—I knew there was an ulterior motive.
["Thank you."] Uh-huh.
—And weird stuff.
"Have a nice night."
—Maybe I will.
"Honey, your mom sent me to pick you up."
—What's the password?
"Please, come over here."
—I've got a nose to pick with you.
"It's an emergency."
—There's a pack of electric little phony girls.
"Is there another front entrance? ... I want to save him the trip of coming down." [Stranger at your apartment building, waiting for you to open the door]
—Let's wait ... Hold it, hold it, hold it ...
Everything takes longer than you expect.
"I'm seeing someone."
—That's before my time.
"You make me feel so short; I'm wearing flats today."
—You're a spinning top on the table of love.
—Nice on mud.
"Why did you give this to me in particular?"
—Just to be friendly.
"I've got something for you." [Revealing the finger]
—I know power words!
"I'm telling on you!"
—I'll be laughing ... peacefully.
"Maybe it's because I'm an asshole."
—Teeth and all.
—You don't want to go there.
"So who gets the tab? – Can you take care of it?"
—If you're in a pinch.
"I think if you need that sort of thing, that's fine."
—You get a lot from getting hit over the head by life,
and then reading something.
—It's hard to save money.
"Tell them the other part of that story."
—You can stop kidding around, right?
"Are you guilty of murdering your wife?"
—Some people can't.
"Hold still! Now turn around! Hold still!"
—I meant to do that.
["Who's spending the night with you?"] "My friend."
—One nuttier than the last.
"'Are you calling me a liar? ...
Well then, are you calling me a jerk?"
—The answer's, no! ...
If that's so, let me think about it.
["Who cares?"] "I don't; do you?"
—Once a week.
—It's weird, isn't it?
"Big one! – Where did you go?"
—Where there's no fog.
"Don't be a girl."
—Because the Red Sox lost.
"Oh, I'm not going to leave him! – Not yet."
—What can I say?
"If you're not confused, you're not thinking."
—It's too bad it isn't true.
"Do you want a little kitty?"
—It's intimidating, isn't it? – Help me!
"That was a nice stop." [Sarcastically]
—I don't see this as an occupation.
"You've got guts."
—It runs in the family.
"Hey, don't get your panties in a bunch."
—Everything like that.
[How to stick up for your girlfriend
when someone insults her]
["I was a year too young for my class in first grade, and beyond that, immature for my age."]
"It's good you can admit that."
—Too bad more people don't do that.
"Do you want my risotto?" [from a stranger]
—It gives you something to do.
"You staying here, folks?" [Trying to grab your bags outside the hotel]
—That's another question.
"You don't sweat much for a fat lady."
—If you're big, you don't have to be mean.
"Did it rain over the weekend?"
—Everything that happens, it's better.
[Someone playing possum on the living room sofa]
—"Astronomers Sleeping – Please Be Quiet."
"Did you notice I'm wearing flowers?"
"What is there, an echo? – I just said that!"
—Don't cheat me.
"Let's stay away from all that shit."
—I'm all for that.
"Hey! Slow down, man! ... SLOW DOWN!"
—Why wait? ... I'm an American!
—Like a leopard in a tree.
"Is the convention still in town?"
—They have a master plan.
"Don't be so negative ... Why won't you be my friend?"
—I don't want to end up like the morons
around here ... Let's go by intuition.
"Maybe it's just as well, you know?"
—You just keep doing things until things turn out.
"Oh, I'm sorry!"
—You're a wonderful person.
"Sorry about that." [Insincerely]
—And how, I know.
"I'm going right home and take a nice hot bath."
—I'm glad I don't have to see that.
"How many inches are in a yard?"
—You probably had a hard week.
"How come no one's interested in being friendly to you?"
—It's handy, in case you didn't know.
"Well, I'll let you go."
"Don't give away the farm."
—Are you a handicapped tomato?
"Do you want me to leave the door open?
—Is that a test?
"I've been known to go shopping on the other side of town."
—Is there anything wrong with that?
—Live and let live.
"I won't dignify that question with an answer."
—That was most of it.
"Do what you want – I don't give a damn."
—I'm just a person.
"These guys are faggots." [Three guys passing two guys on the street]
—That wasn't smart.
"He's still a Mama's boy!"
—Would it do any good?
"Shut your little effeminate mouth."
—Or vice versa.
—Laugh, or I'll kill the lobster.
"Restroom for our customer!"
—Allow me to dream a little longer – It must be hideous.
"It's a little sad at the end."
—It's not sad if you don't expect too much.
"What's your schedule this week?"
—Why should we be cheap?
"Okay, Mister Pacifist."
—Something much more efficient.
["I'm a throwback."] "It's good to know yourself." [Condescendingly]
—I'm in solidarity with dogs and angry children.
"Are you on the rag?"
—Feed your family!
"HEY, YOU DIRTY WHORE!"
—They turn women into men, and men into idiots ... AND DON"T STOP.
"It must be that time of month." [To a woman]
—If it isn't, so what?
"It's a tragedy."
—Did you work hard today?
"It's clear – Run the red light! – Go ahead! – Make the turn! – No one's around."
—What do YOU have to lose? ...
It's a bad sign.
—Some people ... Try harder! ... Not you!
"I hate it! — What do you think?" [About her haircut]
—I don't care what the angels say to you.
"Looks like you brought us a little rain."
—It's going to get uglier.
"Nice guy!" [Sarcastically]
—More than you would imagine.
"Having a nice day?" [Sarcastically]
—Buy a Chevy and go to Church on Sunday.
"So you had a nice Thanksgiving?"
"I love you!"
—Why shouldn't I smile?
"Can you smile for me? – Is that too hard to do?"
[The silent treatment]
—Do I look like an alien to you? ... I meant it as a joke!
"Make it more understandable. You can't help me, if I can't understand what you are trying to say. Please take this advice seriously. I would!"
—Don't be surprised.
—Just say no to giving away money.
"I told your boss about you ... You have trouble with authority figures."
—As it is written, so shall it be done ...
As if you're not supposed to.
"The problem is, I don't believe your figures."
—I'm not sorry I asked, but could we set it aside?
"You just don't understand."
—For obvious reasons.
"You're welcome." [Dark sarcasm]
—That would help, huh?
"Don't you feel guilty?"
—Take a step back.
"Thanks for nothing!"
—I won't worry.
"Thanks for sharing that with us."
—It's hard enough to pay for my child's education.
"Good morning; you're late."
—I'm going to appoint you to be the timekeeper.
"You're a little late." [Catching you by surprise]
—It depends on your plan.
—Even if it isn't true.
"Why are you late?"
—It shortens the day – It's in the contract – Small print.
"Kicking your ass would be a pleasure."
—You're a person, too.
"Did you watch the movie? Do you still have your ticket?" [Three thugs cornering you outside the theater]
—You have no idea how bad it was.
"Oh, you threw it away." [Maliciously] ... "Drop dead."
—I don't want to get into it – It's against my better
judgment ... Yeah, things like that.
"It ain't over between you and me."
—That's what you save money for.
"Why do you talk to Jeff during class?"
[Nine-year-old girl baiting fourteen-year-old girl]
—To annoy you a little.
"I don't pay you for that."
—You're not big on details, are you?
"Better get back to work on that."
—I don't want to overdo it.
"Like in a marriage: You always have something to say back."
—I have lots of shiners though!
"Would you rather have me bash your face in?"
—What about the face on the barroom floor?
["We're doing the same thing!"] "No we're not! You have to come to our workshops! We teach people centering."
—You're going to get around to that?
"What the hell kind of game are you playing?"
: It does so much for you and asks for so little in return.
"No one asked your opinion."
—No one's even real.
"It's all in our best interest, believe me."
—It's like a paper clip.
"I can see you're shy."
—Ostrich land – They don't want to stick their head out – get it cut off.
"You can't please all the people all the time."
—Well, to make money.
"I find that offensive."
—Where I come from, and I said that, no one would bat an eye.
["I'm from New Jersey."] "Well, when I was in New Jersey, I fucked your mother."
—No, that's not true – You're still alive.
"Are you happy working in this job for nine years?"
—I can't deny a part of me is always happy.
"You really should put in a lawn, it would set off the flower beds so well."
—I dabble in trouble.
"By the way, we do think you should call your mother more often."
—Keep track of that.
"Well, I want your name ... I'm going to report you."
—Well, I want YOUR name, and I'm going to report you to MY superior for interfering with my job ...
Next! ... I don't need any more confrontation.
"This is a private meeting ... Can we have some privacy?"
—A big powwow ... Hatching another plot.
"A very cute little book."
—It's right out of Dickens, right?
"You don't mind if I open this window, do you?" [Having already opened it]
—Don't get caught!
"YOU STUPID BITCH! YOU LIED TO ME!"
—How could you tell me that?
[Unintelligible mumbling] "HOW COULD YOU HAVE LIED TO ME ALL THIS TIME?"
—Cats are slinky.
"How do you make money?"
—It's the first business that never made any money – since the Church!
"Are you spending very much money?"
—I figured that out.
"WHAT!?" [She's wearing a microskirt]
—TOO HOT! ... I'm sure I don't know.
"Oh, boy, you're going to get some hot pussy tonight!"
[Street person trailing you and your date after you've seen a play in a seedy theater district]
—Any tips? ... Didn't he have a great technique?
["I went to Dartmouth."]
"I applied there, but I didn't get in."
—Did you know that you're riding with the Mozart of cab drivers?
"Maybe you can get a higher-paying job."
—I think your job is so severe.