MIND CANDY 1
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. What would you like to do?
"You're a jerk!"
- —Like crazy!
- —Don't include me!
"You're also a liar!"
- —Totally different.
- —Maybe it's you.
"You're better than me?"
- —The reverse!
- —Keep that in the back of your mind.
"You're a loser."
- —MANY TIMES!
- —Part of one big machine.
"You made a mistake."
- —No doubt.
- —It's a good place to start.
"I'll just let you stew in your own juices."
- —Very enriching.
- —We have a special today.
"Well, now you're putting ME down – and my cousin."
- —How discouraging.
- —You're trying to throw me off my case.
- —Is it?
- —You have to be on the sidewalk
- for your head to be in the stars.
[The bird, the finger]
- —As if.
- —Quick reflexes! Stick it in your ear! Slit your throat!
- That's your IQ! Tattoo that on your forehead!
"Everyone hates the music, Todd,
- and everyone hates you!"
- —Think so?
- —All night long.
"Is this something original, or did you learn it from someone?"
- —It's relative.
- —The land that time forgot.
"Are you still on drugs?"
- —Why bother?
- —Am I missing something?
- —That's enough.
- —You don't need to throw yourself
- into the fires of abandonment.
"Help me, I'm going fucking crazy."
"Was that too hard for you?" [After you've backed out of a Mexican standoff]
- —Very different.
- —I was only born yesterday.
"Do you hate me?"
- —Not totally.
- —I got me own racket.
"Have you been following me?"
- —Since when?
- —I'm about as far away from that as you can get.
"Clueless! Get a clue."
- —Maybe less.
- —Every ball of string unravels.
"Is that my notebook? I have one just like it."
- —Unheard of.
- —Get out of there!
"Are you gay?"
- —Very funny.
- —Didn't your mother tell you not to talk to strangers?
"Hey, Richard, how's it hanging? –
- I like your faggot shoes."
- —Well said.
- —Tell me about it!
- —Not quite.
- —It's funny who wants to get stuck on the farm
- and who doesn't.
- —You wonder.
- —Just like you.
"No sale, not today."
- —Someone else.
- —Some do, some don't.
"I feel stupid."
- —Until now!
- —What you want to do is try a lot of things.
"You're so weird."
- —Small world.
- —It takes one to know one!
"So what happens when you set a variable to space space space A space space space B and then ECHO that variable?"
- —Just imagine.
- —It's not what you think.
["What country are you from?"]
- "We're from overseas."
- —Far better!
- —You're on the run.
"An honest guy."
- —That's life!
- —What's better than that?
"You have a book on the table that's a gem; it's a book
- I happen to know a lot about."
- —Must be.
- —Do you want to look at it?
"I just wish I could believe you."
- —Underneath everything.
- —Those stubborn, stubborn facts.
"You've got writer's block."
- —If anything.
- —Shhh! ... I'm inside it.
"Are they your dogs?"
- —Even better!
- —Why do you ask?
"Where is the evidence?"
- —Never mind!
- —What for? I'm not in show biz.
"Well, good luck." [Disingenuously]
- "Stay sober, now, will you?"
- —Very helpful.
- —You could teach me.
"Did you buy it new?"
- —Doesn't matter.
- —You don't need anything.
"The honeymoon is over."
- —Anything else?
- —Who's the master – the machine or the man?
"Whose rude child is that at the end of the table?"
- —What nerve.
- —Are you the woman I bit at the last full moon?
"How much rent do you pay?"
- —Don't worry.
- —You don't even have to be there ... Never buy horses!
"Run, Toto!" [Mickey Mouse voice]
- "What's your name?"
- —Really rudimentary.
- —It's just another friend – Which one?
"What's your first name? ... your middle name?"
- —So foolish.
- —Hydrogen ... H.
"What is that smell? – What's your last name?"
- —Very common.
- —One ugly thing after another – Hydrogen. You must be Helium.
"What's her name?" [Your daughter's]
- —Wicked, huh?
- —Same thing.
"You said something different yesterday."
- —Without changing.
- —1. Yes. 2. No. 3. After Halloween. 4. I was wrong.
"Well, you see, now? That's a different story you're telling now."
- —Thank you!
- —Let's forget it! – I can see you're not serious.
"What do you mean, he was coming at you?"
- —It's insane.
- —He must have been drunk.
"In your dreams."
- —That's possible.
- —You won't regret it.
"How do you ask for a raise?"
- —Good advice.
- —How about a raise? Don't you think I deserve it?
- I think I've been doing really good.
"You almost ran over that guy, but who cares?"
- —Anything less?
- —I'll watch for that.
"I think you should apologize.
- —Really tragic.
- —With or without laces? ...
- I apologize to all the shoes.
- —No worse!
- —YOU'RE THE EXPERT!
"What are you doing sitting in the dark like a mushroom?"
- —Nothing much.
- —Welcome to the old country!
"Whatever turns you on."
- —Something else.
- —Cheating everyone.
"A lot of butter there."
- —Just about.
- —I'm really looking forward to being dead.
"A lot of cholesterol, man!"
- —CAN'T SAY!
- —I'm going right home and slit my throat.
"Are we mean people?"
- —Sight unseen.
- —If men were angels, we wouldn't need laws.
"You're having an identity crisis."
- —How embarrassing.
- —If men weren't monkeys, we wouldn't need cages.
"Speak for yourself!"
- —So far.
- —The deepest parts of you are the smartest.
"These are fake comebacks."
- —MY mistake.
- —Never noticed it, huh?
"I guess we can't go dancing!"
- —Says who?
- —The first step is to slow down.
"You'd like that a lot."
- —Oh, huge!
- —I have my own rules.
"I call him dumb-ass; you know, term of endearment."
- —Different times.
- —It's just if you're nursing.
"When does your flight leave?"
- —Too early!
- —Don't tell anyone my secret.
"HOW ARE YOU DOING, SIR? I AM YOUR HOST." [Busboy in a cafeteria, surprising you]
"Am I in your way?"
- —Not recently.
- —That would be serious.
- —THINGS CHANGE!
- —Everyone knows you have to go slow.
"How do you do that?"
- —Nothing's new.
- —It's not so easy to do.
- —Bad enough.
- —I'm suspicious.
"Hey! This tastes good for a change."
- —Spooky, huh?
- —The less you know, the better.
["Who, me?"] "Yeah, you white man!"
- —THAT's useless.
- —What's wrong with being strong?
"After twenty-four years, does the sex go bad?"
- —You bet!
- —[After a pause] What do you do when someone insults you or tells you you're no good?
"I'll take that as a compliment."
- —So WHAT?
- —I don't think it's bad or anything.
"Boy, you're a barrel of laughs today, David." [Not!]
- —A natural.
- —It'll get even worse, you'll see.
"Older than dirt!"
- —Very advanced.
- —The people who try to be good always get into trouble.
"Don't you think we're a little old for this?"
- —Not forever.
- —The bad people always do better.
"So, what's your point?"
- —BELIEVE me.
- —Hopefully there is no point –
- There's just a nice comfortable chair.
"Today's your special day!"
- —Beautiful, huh?
- —All different.
"Well, good for you!"
- —Well, sure!
- —It's good for anyone.
"Remember, only one person can win,
- so please give a big round of applause
- to our third runner-up (It's you, honey!)"
- —NOTHING LESS!
- —Not everyone.
"What is the greatest thing a person can know?"
- —Beats me!
- —This, too, shall pass.
"I would expect you to know how
- to take people where they're going."
- —We'll manage.
- —If this wasn't hard, everyone would be rich.
"It's not what you know; it's who you know."
- —And more!
- —It takes two to tangle.
"You didn't know that?"
- —It's maddening.
- —It wasn't special, let's put it that way.
"It's really none of your business –
- That's of no importance to you."
- —Who knows?
- —It's a great advantage to have friends –
- It really helps.
"Go fuck yourself! ... Why don't you go fuck yourself?"
- —I wouldn't.
- —It's not worth it ...
- Don't sell yourself short.
- —That's extra!
- —To be with the rest of your kind.
"I'll show you mine if you show me yours."
- —Ever hopeful.
- —How dainty.
"You're such a doll!"
- —Don't panic!
- —I'm not an angel.
"I'm with the clown."
- —Hardly ever.
- —The kindergarten is somewhere else.
- —Doesn't hurt.
- —Having a nice time is the only safe thing.
"You shut up, ASSHOLE! Just shut up, ASSHOLE! I don't want to talk to you, ASSHOLE!"
- —EVERY TIME!
- —It doesn't matter ... It's always in the dark ...
- Have you been there?
"Yes, sir?" [Challenging you as you walk in]
- —Nothing yet.
- —Anything missing?
"Berkeley Municipal Code 14.36.030 C
- Prohibited Parking - Red Curb 33.00."
- [The day before Christmas Eve]
- —Really scary!
- —Do you ever get angry when you swim underwater?
"That's adorable. [Your diamond ring] It's all he could afford, huh?"
- —Nothing drastic.
- —Okay, there must be some smart ones.
"What the hell is wrong with you?"
- —Very little.
- —Who sold you the map?
"YOU KNOW THIS IS A SIDEWALK. YOU SHOULD CLEAR THE WAY."
- —Pretty intense.
- —I like law and order, too.
"There he is ... It must be two o'clock."
- —Almost impossible.
- —Don't tell me the end – I haven't seen it.
"Would you ask her to call me when she comes in?"
- —Endless files.
- —You better send an E-mail in case I forget.
"In this country, all the mainstream media and
- newspapers are run by the Jews."
- —Not exactly.
- —I would check that out.
"How is it?" [Your steak, veggies, potato, wine, service, conversation, vacation, sunburn, horror, tablecloth, salad dressing, soup, ....]
- —That's fine!
- —It's perfect ... Just right! ... Pretty special.
"Is your show on?"
- —Before long!
- —I knew there was an ulterior motive.
["Thank you."] Uh-huh.
- —So much!
- —And weird stuff.
"Have a nice night."
- —Kicking back!
- —Maybe I will.
"Honey, your mom sent me to pick you up."
- —Hold it!
- —What's the password?
"Please, come over here."
- —Sure, Jack!
- —I've got a nose to pick with you.
"It's an emergency."
- —That's DRASTIC.
- —There's a pack of electric little phony girls.
"Is there another front entrance? ... I want to save him the trip of coming down." [Stranger at your apartment building, waiting for you to open the door]
- —Just wait!
- —Let's wait ... Hold it, hold it, hold it ...
- Everything takes longer than you expect.
"I'm seeing someone."
- —How romantic.
- —That's before my time.
"You make me feel so short; I'm wearing flats today."
- —Real old-fashioned.
- —You're a spinning top on the table of love.
- —Anytime, right?
- —Nice on mud.
"Why did you give this to me in particular?"
- —In case.
- —Just to be friendly.
"I've got something for you." [Revealing the finger]
- —Well, maybe!
- —I know power words!
"I'm telling on you!"
- —A joke!
- —I'll be laughing ... peacefully.
"Maybe it's because I'm an asshole."
- —Just anything!
- —You don't want to go there.
"So who gets the tab? – Can you take care of it?"
- —Doesn't everyone?
- —If you're in a pinch.
"I think if you need that sort of thing, that's fine."
- —Anybody can.
- —You get a lot from getting hit over the head by life,
- and then reading something.
- —Including time!
- —It's hard to save money.
"Tell them the other part of that story."
- —Totally demanding.
- —You can stop kidding around, right?
"Are you guilty of murdering your wife?"
- —It's impossible.
- —Some people can't.
"Hold still! Now turn around! Hold still!"
- —Little challenges.
- —I meant to do that.
["Who's spending the night with you?"] "My friend."
- —Another one!
- —One nuttier than the last.
"'Are you calling me a liar? ...
- Well then, are you calling me a jerk?"
- —Bad idea.
- —The answer's, no! ...
- If that's so, let me think about it.
["Who cares?"] "I don't; do you?"
- —It's genetic.
- —It's weird, isn't it?
"Big one! – Where did you go?"
- —Without limits.
- —Where there's no fog.
"Don't be a girl."
- —Nobody minds.
- —Because the Red Sox lost.
"Oh, I'm not going to leave him! – Not yet."
- —Stick around!
- —What can I say?
"If you're not confused, you're not thinking."
- —Not anymore.
- —It's too bad it isn't true.
"Do you want a little kitty?"
- —Just vicious.
- —It's intimidating, isn't it? – Help me!
"That was a nice stop." [Sarcastically]
- —Even less.
- —I don't see this as an occupation.
"You've got guts."
- —It runs in the family.
"Hey, don't get your panties in a bunch."
- —Smarten up!
- —Everything like that.
[How to stick up for your girlfriend
- when someone insults her]
- —That's impressive.
- —Real rustic.
["I was a year too young for my class in first grade, and beyond that, immature for my age."]
- "It's good you can admit that."
- —It's deeper.
- —Too bad more people don't do that.
"Do you want my risotto?" [from a stranger]
- —Not today.
- —It gives you something to do.
"You staying here, folks?" [Trying to grab your bags outside the hotel]
- —We'll see.
- —That's another question.
"You don't sweat much for a fat lady."
- —Hard times.
- —If you're big, you don't have to be mean.
"Did it rain over the weekend?"
- —It's better.
- —Everything that happens, it's better.
[Someone playing possum on the living room sofa]
- —"Astronomers Sleeping – Please Be Quiet."
"Did you notice I'm wearing flowers?"
- —Now especially.
"What is there, an echo? – I just said that!"
- —Well, okay!
- —Don't cheat me.
"Let's stay away from all that shit."
- —Not major.
- —I'm all for that.
"Hey! Slow down, man! ... SLOW DOWN!"
- —Totally natural!
- —Why wait? ... I'm an American!
- —Very nice.
- —Like a leopard in a tree.
"Is the convention still in town?"
- —Soon enough.
- —They have a master plan.
"Don't be so negative ... Why won't you be my friend?"
- —Either way.
- —I don't want to end up like the morons
- around here ... Let's go by intuition.
"Maybe it's just as well, you know?"
- —Can't hurt!
- —You just keep doing things until things turn out.
"Oh, I'm sorry!"
- —Pretty much.
- —You're a wonderful person.
"Sorry about that." [Insincerely]
- —Very serious.
- —And how, I know.
"I'm going right home and take a nice hot bath."
- —Saved again!
- —I'm glad I don't have to see that.
"How many inches are in a yard?"
- —It's overwhelming.
- —You probably had a hard week.
"How come no one's interested in being friendly to you?"
- —Well, anyway.
- —It's handy, in case you didn't know.
"Don't give away the farm."
- —Fear not.
- —Are you a handicapped tomato?
"Do you want me to leave the door open?
- —Big time!
- —Is that a test?
"I've been known to go shopping on the other side of town."
- —See that?
- —Is there anything wrong with that?
- —Very strict.
- —Live and let live.
"I won't dignify that question with an answer."
- —Not bad.
- —That was most of it.
"Do what you want – I don't give a damn."
- —Big change!
- —I'm just a person.
"These guys are faggots." [Three guys passing two guys on the street]
- —Not yet.
- —That wasn't smart.
"He's still a Mama's boy!"
- —I'll swear!
- —Would it do any good?
"Shut your little effeminate mouth."
- —Or vice versa.
- —Laugh, or I'll kill the lobster.
"Restroom for our customer!"
- —Something better!
- —Allow me to dream a little longer – It must be hideous.
"It's a little sad at the end."
- —Oh, great!
- —It's not sad if you don't expect too much.
"What's your schedule this week?"
- —Another thrill.
- —Why should we be cheap?
"Okay, Mister Pacifist."
- —Or something.
- —Something much more efficient.
["I'm a throwback."] "It's good to know yourself." [Condescendingly]
- —It was.
- —I'm in solidarity with dogs and angry children.
"Are you on the rag?"
- —You're strong.
- —Feed your family!
"HEY, YOU DIRTY WHORE!"
- —KEEP GOING!
- —They turn women into men, and men into idiots ... AND DON"T STOP.
"It must be that time of month." [To a woman]
- —It's devastating.
- —If it isn't, so what?
"It's a tragedy."
- —Too soon.
- —Did you work hard today?
"It's clear – Run the red light! – Go ahead! – Make the turn! – No one's around."
- —I'm sure.
- —What do YOU have to lose? ...
- It's a bad sign.
- —Even now.
- —Some people ... Try harder! ... Not you!
"I hate it! — What do you think?" [About her haircut]
- —Spare me!
- —I don't care what the angels say to you.
"Looks like you brought us a little rain."
- —Big tragedy.
- —It's going to get uglier.
"Nice guy!" [Sarcastically]
- —Above all!
- —More than you would imagine.
"Having a nice day?" [Sarcastically]
- —No wonder.
- —Buy a Chevy and go to Church on Sunday.
"So you had a nice Thanksgiving?"
- —What then?
- —Why shouldn't I smile?
"Can you smile for me? – Is that too hard to do?"
- —Be honest.
- —Nobody's home!
[The silent treatment]
- —More so!
- —Do I look like an alien to you? ... I meant it as a joke!
"Make it more understandable. You can't help me, if I can't understand what you are trying to say. Please take this advice seriously. I would!"
- —And furthermore!
- —Don't be surprised.
- —All set.
- —Just say no to giving away money.
"I told your boss about you ... You have trouble with authority figures."
- —No sweat.
- —As it is written, so shall it be done ...
- As if you're not supposed to.
"The problem is, I don't believe your figures."
- —We'll wait.
- —I'm not sorry I asked, but could we set it aside?
"You just don't understand."
- —So much!
- —For obvious reasons.
"You're welcome." [Dark sarcasm]
- —Or whatever.
- —That would help, huh?
"Don't you feel guilty?"
- —For nothing!
- —Take a step back.
"Thanks for nothing!"
- —I'll live.
- —I won't worry.
"Thanks for sharing that with us."
- —Home free!
- —It's hard enough to pay for my child's education.
"Good morning; you're late."
- —Worse yet.
- —I'm going to appoint you to be the timekeeper.
"You're a little late." [Catching you by surprise]
- —Before that.
- —It depends on your plan.
- —I'll cry.
- —Even if it isn't true.
"Why are you late?"
- —Something fierce!
- —It shortens the day – It's in the contract – Small print.
"Kicking your ass would be a pleasure."
- —Bad, huh?
- —You're a person, too.
"Did you watch the movie? Do you still have your ticket?" [Three thugs cornering you outside the theater]
- —Pretty wicked.
- —You have no idea how bad it was.
"Oh, you threw it away." [Maliciously] ... "Drop dead."
- —Many more!
- —I don't want to get into it – It's against my better
- judgment ... Yeah, things like that.
"It ain't over between you and me."
- —It's murder!
- —That's what you save money for.
"Why do you talk to Jeff during class?"
- [Nine-year-old girl baiting fourteen-year-old girl]
- —I'm waiting.
- —To annoy you a little.
"I don't pay you for that."
- —Someone must.
- —You're not big on details, are you?
"Better get back to work on that."
- —Or else!
- —I don't want to overdo it.
"Like in a marriage: You always have something to say back."
- —Really dark.
- —I have lots of shiners though!
"Would you rather have me bash your face in?"
- —It's ridiculous.
- —What about the face on the barroom floor?
["We're doing the same thing!"] "No we're not! You have to come to our workshops! We teach people centering."
- —There's options.
- —You're going to get around to that?
"What the hell kind of game are you playing?"
- —I'm easy.
- —Alcohol: It does so much for you and asks for so little in return.
"No one asked your opinion."
- —Missed out.
- —No one's even real.
"It's all in our best interest, believe me."
- —Wild, huh?
- —It's like a paper clip.
"I can see you're shy."
- —Just normal.
- —Ostrich land – They don't want to stick their head out – get it cut off.
"You can't please all the people all the time."
- —Must you?
- —Well, to make money.
"I find that offensive."
- —Or worse!
- —Where I come from, and I said that, no one would bat an eye.
["I'm from New Jersey."] "Well, when I was in New Jersey, I fucked your mother."
- —Oh, definitely!
- —No, that's not true – You're still alive.
"Are you happy working in this job for nine years?"
- —Nothing complicated.
- —I can't deny a part of me is always happy.
"You really should put in a lawn, it would set off the flower beds so well."
- —Watch out!
- —I dabble in trouble.
"By the way, we do think you should call your mother more often."
- —Someone might.
- —Keep track of that.
"Well, I want your name ... I'm going to report you."
- —Certainly not.
- —Well, I want YOUR name, and I'm going to report you to MY superior for interfering with my job ...
- Next! ... I don't need any more confrontation.
"This is a private meeting ... Can we have some privacy?"
- —Great timing!
- —A big powwow ... Hatching another plot.
"A very cute little book."
- —That's all?
- —It's right out of Dickens, right?
"You don't mind if I open this window, do you?" [Having already opened it]
- —Better off.
- —Don't get caught!
"YOU STUPID BITCH! YOU LIED TO ME!"
- —Au contraire.
- —How could you tell me that?
[Unintelligible mumbling] "HOW COULD YOU HAVE LIED TO ME ALL THIS TIME?"
- —It's easy.
- —Cats are slinky.
"How do you make money?"
- —That'll help.
- —It's the first business that never made any money – since the Church!
"Are you spending very much money?"
- —No reason.
- —I figured that out.
"WHAT!?" [She's wearing a microskirt]
- —No shit!
- —TOO HOT! ... I'm sure I don't know.
"Oh, boy, you're going to get some hot pussy tonight!"
- [Street person trailing you and your date after you've seen a play in a seedy theater district]
- —There's hope.
- —Any tips? ... Didn't he have a great technique?
["I went to Dartmouth."]
- "I applied there, but I didn't get in."
- —Nobody knows.
- —Did you know that you're riding with the Mozart of cab drivers?
"Maybe you can get a higher-paying job."
- —But why?
- —I think your job is so severe.
What would you like to do?
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