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Don't criticise, condemn or complain
- Understanding is forgiving.
- People respond to reward better than criticism.
- Everyone thinks their viewpoint is the right one.
- Don't judge others.
Give honest, sincere appreciation
- Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.
- The only way to get someone to do something is to make them want to do it.
- Find specific things to compliment people on.
We crave appreciation
- We desire to be great and to be seen to be great.
- Everyone is my superior in some way; I can learn from them all.
Arouse in the other person an eager want
- Talk to people about what they want, not what I want, and show them how to get it.
- The key to success is to be able to see things from another's point-of-view.
- It is a rare individual who tries to unselfishly help others.
Become genuinely interested in other people
- People are interested in themselves more than anyone or anything else.
- Love your audience.
- We like people who like us.
If we want to make friends
- Let us greet people with animation and enthusiasm.
- A smile says "I like you, you make me happy; I'm glad to see you"
- Enjoy meeting other people, and have a good time getting to know them.
- People want to meet me.
Action and feeling go together
- If you want to be happy, act happy.
- As we think, so we become. Keep fixed in mind how I'd like to be.
A person's name is the sweetest thing they can hear.
Remember it and use it often.
Be a good listener.
- Encourage other people to talk about themselves.
- Few humans are immune to the implied flattery of rapt attention.
To be interesting, be interested.
- Ask questions the other will enjoy answering.
- Encourage them to talk about themselves and their achievements.
Talk in terms of the other person's interests
Learn about things people you're going to meet like so you can have engaging conversations about things that interest them.
Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely
- Ask "What is there about this person that I genuinely admire?"
- Be specific. Notice the details. Don't be cliched.
Approve, appreciate and recognise
We want the approval of others, recognition of our true worth, appreciation of our gifts and a feeling of importance.
"Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours"
- Be non-confrontational.
- Arguments won't change peoples' opinions (and if they do they'll hate you for it).
- "Hatred is never ended by hatred, but by love"
- Focus on areas where you agree.
"Judge people by their own principles, not your own"
Let people arrive at your idea on their own through your careful guidance. It's as if they had the idea themselves.
If you're wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
Begin in a friendly way
- Convince an opponent you're their friend and you may be able to influence them. Attack and you never will.
- Gentleness and friendliness are always stronger than fury and force.
Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately
- This makes them more likely to keep saying yes.
- Any yes is good enough.
- When people start to say no they become defensive making it more difficult to start saying yes again.
Let the other person do most of the talking
"If you want enemies, excel your friends. If you want friends, let them excel you."
Let the other person feel the idea is their own
Ask people for their (expert) opinion on something so you can give them exactly what they want.
"The sage, wishing to be above men, puts himself below them; wishing to be before them puts himself behind them."
Appeal to nobler motives
People normally have two reasons for doing something - one that sounds good, and the real one.
Throw down a challenge
- Inspire people by stimulating competition.
- People value what they earn.
If you must find fault, begin with praise and honest appreciation.
It is easier to receive complaints after hearing about our good points.
Call attention to peoples' mistakes indirectly
Don't say "but", say "and", e.g. don't say:
"We're proud of you but you should work harder"
"We're proud of you and if you keep working you'll do even better"
Talk about your own mistakes before criticising others
Ask questions instead of giving orders
Let the other person save face
- It's probably someone's lack of experience rather than their lack of ability that's the problem.
- It's not what I think of someone that's important, but what they think of themselves.
Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement.
- Praise is like sunlight for our souls.
- It's better to praise something someone has done rather than what they are through birth.
Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to
- If you want someone to have a particular virtue, act like they already have it.
- Make mistakes seem easy to correct, like they have an undeveloped natural talent for something.
Make people feel happy to do what you want.