Understanding relationships

predictable patterns -> structure

structure

describe what its supposed to be and rules relate to what is

• prenuptual agreement 
• Cultural differences
• family of origin influences
• things you have learned from your own family, or you tendto do the opposite
• personality influences/biological influences (dominant/submissive presonality)

• 1. clear boundaries
• 2. Hierarchal organization - in healthy families "there is an unambiguous hierarchy of power, with leadership in the hands of the parents, who form a united coalition" (nichols)
• 3. Flexibility 

• the freedom to perceive what you perceive
• the freedom to think one's own thoughts
• the freedom to feel one's own feelings
• the freedom to choose what one desires
• the freedom to develop in ways that are consistent with the actualization or positive development of the self

• Often implicit
• Allow for accountabiliy
• Denote physical and psychological boundaries
• Regulate closeness and distance
• Regulate roles
• Regulate flexibility-rigidity and exceptions
• Address implementation and violation

• Connected series of rules that governs a complex pattern of behavior
• Involve a cyclic pattern
• Can be healthy - rituals
• Can be unhealthy, called vicious cycles (sometimes called dances)

• Pursuer/distancer
• Drifting dance
• Conflictual dance
• Circular dance
• The overfunction-underfunction dance

one partner seeks to deal with anxiety head on and the other puts up barriers and runs away

• partners often drift apart due to lack of similar interests and an inability to resolve conflict
• rarely do things together 
• when they are together there is little joy in the relationship

just as the drifting couple avoids conflict, the conflictual couple uses conflict to help them deal with issues of closeness and distance

they connect with each other emotionally but they rarely resolve issues

often regulate and control some anxiety and deal with issues of closeness and distance

one person does too much and the other doesnt really do anything

• Disengaged
• Separated
• Connected
• Enmeshed

how easily families can change or modify their rules

A shared belief system, central to guiding family rules, goals, and way of being

• 1. Closed - "right away" - traditional, parental authority, somewhat rigid
• 2. Open- flexible, tolerant, negotiates
• 3. Random- few set schedules and rules, individual freedom

The exaggeration principle - family tries harder, exaggerates its own character

what is done in the early stages in a relationship influences what can be and is done in later stages

the push to stay the same - attenuating/negative feedback

the push to change - amplifying/positive feedback

• 1. Early rules have significant meaning and are associated with deeply felt emotions
• 2. Many beliefs and feelings are unconsious or partially unconscious
• 3. A rule becomes a part of a complex web of rules; any attempt to change one rule has implications concerning other things

• birth of first child
• your mother in law coming to live with you
• your child growing up and needing fewer rules

• 1. the unattached young adult
• 2. marriage
• 3. the family with young children
• 4. the family with adolscents
• 5. launching children and moving on
• 6. the family in later life