understanding relationships

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  1. A couple's success depends on:
    how couples handle the emotional part of their lives
  2. Emotional Intelligance
    • Has an insight and awareness. Can monitor feelings, knowing from moment to moment their em. experience
    • Deals with emotions in appropriate ways-ways that are soothing and constructive
    • Uses em. as positive motivators
    • Reads the emotions of others. Is sensitive to others feelings, shows empathy
    • Knows how to manage em. so relationships succeed
  3. Why is it difficult to manage emotions in the home?
    • Strong feelings
    • Close proximity
    • Husband/wife differences
    • Parent/child differnces
    • Lack of taining/poor training/unhealthy childhood experiences
  4. Emotion Coachers
    • 1. are aware of childs feelings. Empathize with childs feelings even in low intensity sit.
    • 2. times of emotional expression-opportunities for teaching and intimacy
    • 3. sensitively listen to childs emotional expression and are non critical
    • 4. help child find appropriate words for labelling
    • 5. help child understand limits and solve problems
  5. male/female different emotional styles
    • by 2nd grade boys/girls play apart
    • boys- aggressive games
    • girls- quieter games, intimacy/talk imp.
    • boys- disagrreements dont stop game
    • girls- interact, share feelings and intimate experience
  6. Biological Differences
    • males - more difficulty recovering from highly emotional experiences
    • females - recover quicker, perhaps cry or talk things out
  7. Research on biological differences
    • Husband's heart rate and blood pressure elevate more quickly, rise higher, and stay elevated longer in response to marital conflict
    • Leads to flooding/withdrawal/stonewalling
  8. Differences between stable/unstable couples
    • Stable couples- hear and respond positively to repair attempts. Correct imbalance
    • Unstable couples - did neither. Although they too made repair attempts
  9. Apathetic marriages: When emotions go dead-
    • Absence of positive affect-em. dead
    • Suppressed negatively that hides tension and sadness
    • Dont even seem to be friends
    • Lead parrallel lives
    • No attempt to soothe each other
    • Dont feel entitled to their complaints
    • Determined to adapt
  10. How a couple remembers their past together
    • determines if it can be fixed
    • If this is gone then there is no turning back
  11. Violent marriages: Emotions out of control/domestic violence
    Jaconson and Gottman research
    • the cobras in conflict discussion- immediate anger but lowered heart rate, hostile/violent in other settings. encouraged partner's independency, shunned intimacy
    • Pit bulls- gradual anger and heart rate icreased; insecure, jealous, isolate and attempt to control wives
    • Both types refused to be influenced by their wives
  12. 3 types of batterers
    • 1. The over controlled abuser
    • 2. The psychopathic abuser (cobra)-no real ability to feel anything, no conscience, dangerous
    • 3. The cyclical/emotionaly volitile abuser (pits)-most studied
  13. 3 Cyclical phases for cyclical/emotionally volatile abuser
    • 1.Tension building phase
    • 2.Acute battering phase
    • 3.Contrition phase
  14. Tension building phase
    aversive arousal-the bitch tape, projects blame on wife-her fault
  15. Acute battering phase
    goal to terrify and humiliate, wife is bitch/whore, release of pent up tension is pleasurable, addictive
  16. Contrition phase
    often seek to atone, wife now referred to as wonderful-madonna figure
  17. Characteristics of cyclical/emotionally volatile abusers
    symptoms of ptsd-sleep disturbances, depression, anxiety, hypersensitive, numbing to past
  18. Dutton research about
    Home background of c/e volatile abusers
    • Cold, harsh, abusive, violent father who shames child- belittling, attacking a person for being a person
    • Mother not providing nurturance for secure attachment
    • Diect experience of emotional and physical abuse in the home
  19. The bid-
    an attempt to connect emotionally with your partner
  20. Ways of responding to bids
    turning toward partner - positive response to big

    • turning against partner/arcastic, hostile, derogatory
    • turning away from partner/ignore, being preoccupied
  21. Behaviors that build emotional connections
    • positive attention rather than inattention
    • soft start up rather than harsh start up
    • complaints rather than criticism
    • take a break when flooding occurs
    • be positive-look for good
    • dont avoid certain conversations
  22. Bowen Theory
    • Murray Bowen
    • 2 opposing and powerful forces:
    • 1. the push toward autonomy (to be separate)
    • 2. The push to be close & connected (fused)

    Differentiation: 1)to develop a healthy individual self, separate from others and 2)an ability to separate intellect from em.
  23. High differentiation:
    • able to separate intellect from em.
    • able to pull back in emotional sit. and use intellect
    • have strong sense of identity and a solid core -secure
    • can become emotional but does so by choice
  24. High fusion
    • easily overwhelmed by their em. system
    • em. take over
    • cant differentiate intellect from em.
    • trouble differenetiating themselves from others -insecure
    • intrusive and overbearing in close relationships
  25. Basic fusion/differentiation (f/d)-
    long term, ability to break away (differentiate) from family of origin
  26. Functional fusion/differentiation (f/d)-
    is the situation specific and short term; emotions dominate (out of control emotionally)
  27. Emotional tone-
    • positive/negative: healthy/unhealthy
    • if em. toe is unhealthy- child has trouble differentiating a solid self
  28. What creates an emotional tone?
    • one person wants to control
    • someone in family is hostile, aggressive
    • unhealthy family rules
    • the brice family-it just happens, perhaps because of the tension in spousal relationship and inappropriate rules
  29. Disharmony in separate/togetherness
    • 1. one partner accommodates to relieve anxiety and preserve harmony
    • 2. both partners may resist compromise-live in conflictual relationship
    • 3. partners may distance emotionally, disengage
    • 4. both partners may compromise -one person may give up too much, causing resentment
  30. Chronic Anxiety
    • uneasiness exists for long periods of time
    • principle: when chronic anxiety exists, family members struggle to adapt
  31. Triangle-
    created when two parts of a family system are in conflict and they focus on something else (triangle in) as a way of gaining control or stabilizing problem

    • What can be triangled in? 
    • -alcoholism
    • -drug abuse
  32. Friedman's laws of emotional triangles
    • 1. a conflictual relationship is kept in balance by the way a third party relates to the two person dyad
    • 2. if one is the third party, it is usually not possible to bring about constructive change in the relationship
    • 3. atempts by the third party to change the conflicted pair are usually not only ineffective, but often make things worse
    • 4. when the third party tries to change the other two, he/she ends up with stress
    • 5. change is always resisted by homeostatic forces in the system
    • 6. one side of the triangle is always more conflictual than the other
    • 7. we can only change relationships to which we belong
Card Set:
understanding relationships
2012-11-01 20:51:45

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