-
Are you the one for me?
Helen Fisher research
- explorers pefer explorers
- builders prefer builders
- directors prefer negotiators
- negotiators prefer diretors
- *the type you are is largely determined by genetics
-
The propinquity filter-
- Being in close proximity
- more likely to love someone who is spatially close, see them all of the time
-
The attraveness filter-
- how attractive the person was plays huge role
- more so with men than women
-
The similarity filter-
How similar you are to other person
-
The compatibility filter-
how comfortable you are with other person
-
The cohabitation filter-
emancipation convenience, linus blanket, testing living together to see if they should marry
-
Linus Blanket-
one person is very insecure and they need blanket, that blanket is another person. They are needy
-
Mistakes people make on the road to marriage
- staying in relationship without asking enough questions
- warning signs are ignored, decisions based on emotions
- compromising your beliefs and value system
- attraction and sexual desire blind you
- unduly influenced by outside pressure
- loneliness and a sense of emptiness
- avoiding an imp. issue or sit.
-
Kinds of love
- passionate love
- companionate love
-
Passionate Love-
- relatively new type of love, replaced contract arrangements
- "Fiddler on the roof"
- intensity of passionate love will fade
-
Companionate love
- sharing intimate experiences, friendship
- in arranged marriages-4% divorce rate
-
Sternberg: Triangular model of love:
many aspects of love are made up of three related components: passion, intimacy, and decision/commitment
-
Passion + Intimacy =
- romantic love
- strong physiological arousal + sharing of one's self, which results in intimacy
- movies
-
Passion + Commitment =
- fatuous love
- develops without experiences that build intimacy
- developing intimacy takes time
- short lived, often due incompatibility
- whirlwind courtship/marriage without shared beliefs
- sometimes called foolish love
-
Intimacy + Commitment =
- compassionate love
- deep friendship and strong desire to be together
- when passion wanes, partners discover whether there is enough friendship and commitment to make the relationship last
- the ingredients of most lasting relationships
-
Consumate love =
- intimacy + passion + commitment
- Sternberg believes it is difficult to maintain
- no guarantees that consumate love will continue
- it may fade, with its disappearance becoming evident only after it is almost gone
- couples must work to maintain it
-
What love is not..
1. love is not falling in love-
1. love is not falling in love - romanticlove is something we fall into & doesnt require conscious choice
Peck suspects that RL is a part of our genetic makeup which motivates sexual behavior for the survival of the species
-
what love is not..
Love is not based on dependency-
- "i could not live without him/her" -reflects parasitism not love
- When dependency needs are dominent, relationship based on insecurities, may superficially look loving but sick
- Peck believes "2 people love each other only when they are quite capable of living without each other, but choose to live together
-
What love is not...
Self sacrifice/excessive nurturing is not necessarily love-
- The parent who gives everything and overprotects does not nurture maturity and growth, but rather infantilism/dependency
- Love is not just giving but the strength to say no when giving is inappropriate
- Difficult decision-making is involved to determine when to give and when to withhold
-
Peck: what love is...
- love is purposeful - growth
- willful - conscious choice to behave in loving ways
- extend self
- the work of love requires overcoming laziness
-
What love is not...
- 1. love is not falling in love
- 2. love is not based on dependency
- 3. self sacrifice/excessive nurturing is not love
-
What is this work of love that causes us and the "other" to grow?
- 1. requires a conscious decision to set aside time and energy to pay attention to the one we love
- 2. fundamental way of attending is listening
-
Family love (esp. with children)
- Burr, day, bahr
- 1. oriented toward fostering the growth of others
- 2. emphasizes one's behavior and action over feelings and sentiment
- 3. is unconditional
- 4. is enduring
|
|