understanding relationships

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Author:
faulkebr
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181180
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understanding relationships
Updated:
2012-11-01 17:44:42
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chapter
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ch7
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  1. Are you the one for me?
    Helen Fisher research
    • explorers pefer explorers
    • builders prefer builders
    • directors prefer negotiators
    • negotiators prefer diretors
    • *the type you are is largely determined by genetics
  2. The propinquity filter-
    • Being in close proximity
    • more likely to love someone who is spatially close, see them all of the time
  3. The attraveness filter-
    • how attractive the person was plays huge role
    • more so with men than women
  4. The similarity filter-
    How similar you are to other person
  5. The compatibility filter-
    how comfortable you are with other person
  6. The cohabitation filter-
    emancipation convenience, linus blanket, testing living together to see if they should marry
  7. Linus Blanket-
    one person is very insecure and they need blanket, that blanket is another person. They are needy
  8. Mistakes people make on the road to marriage
    • staying in relationship without asking enough questions
    • warning signs are ignored, decisions based on emotions
    • compromising your beliefs and value system
    • attraction and sexual desire blind you
    • unduly influenced by outside pressure
    • loneliness and a sense of emptiness
    • avoiding an imp. issue or sit.
  9. Kinds of love
    • passionate love
    • companionate love
  10. Passionate Love-
    • relatively new type of love, replaced contract arrangements
    • "Fiddler on the roof"
    • intensity of passionate love will fade
  11. Companionate love
    • sharing intimate experiences, friendship
    • in arranged marriages-4% divorce rate
  12. Sternberg: Triangular model of love:
    many aspects of love are made up of three related components: passion, intimacy, and decision/commitment
  13. Passion + Intimacy =
    • romantic love
    • strong physiological arousal + sharing of one's self, which results in intimacy
    • movies
  14. Passion + Commitment =
    • fatuous love
    • develops without experiences that build intimacy
    • developing intimacy takes time
    • short lived, often due incompatibility
    • whirlwind courtship/marriage without shared beliefs
    • sometimes called foolish love
  15. Intimacy + Commitment =
    • compassionate love
    • deep friendship and strong desire to be together
    • when passion wanes, partners discover whether there is enough friendship and commitment to make the relationship last
    • the ingredients of most lasting relationships
  16. Consumate love =
    • intimacy + passion + commitment
    • Sternberg believes it is difficult to maintain
    • no guarantees that consumate love will continue
    • it may fade, with its disappearance becoming evident only after it is almost gone
    • couples must work to maintain it
  17. What love is not..
    1. love is not falling in love-
    1. love is not falling in love - romanticlove is something we fall into & doesnt require conscious choice

    Peck suspects that RL is a part of our genetic makeup which motivates sexual behavior for the survival of the species
  18. what love is not..
    Love is not based on dependency-
    • "i could not live without him/her" -reflects parasitism not love
    • When dependency needs are dominent, relationship based on insecurities, may superficially look loving but sick
    • Peck believes "2 people love each other only when they are quite capable of living without each other, but choose to live together
  19. What love is not...
    Self sacrifice/excessive nurturing is not necessarily love-
    • The parent who gives everything and overprotects does not nurture maturity and growth, but rather infantilism/dependency
    • Love is not just giving but the strength to say no when giving is inappropriate
    • Difficult decision-making is involved to determine when to give and when to withhold
  20. Peck: what love is...
    • love is purposeful - growth
    • willful - conscious choice to behave in loving ways 
    • extend self
    • the work of love requires overcoming laziness
  21. What love is not...
    • 1. love is not falling in love
    • 2. love is not based on dependency
    • 3. self sacrifice/excessive nurturing is not love
  22. What is this work of love that causes us and the "other" to grow?
    • 1. requires a conscious decision to set aside time and energy to pay attention to the one we love
    • 2. fundamental way of attending is listening
  23. Family love (esp. with children)
    • Burr, day, bahr
    • 1. oriented toward fostering the growth of others
    • 2. emphasizes one's behavior and action over feelings and sentiment
    • 3. is unconditional
    • 4. is enduring

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