understanding relationships

• explorers pefer explorers
• builders prefer builders
• directors prefer negotiators
• negotiators prefer diretors
• *the type you are is largely determined by genetics

• Being in close proximity
• more likely to love someone who is spatially close, see them all of the time

• how attractive the person was plays huge role
• more so with men than women

How similar you are to other person

how comfortable you are with other person

emancipation convenience, linus blanket, testing living together to see if they should marry

one person is very insecure and they need blanket, that blanket is another person. They are needy

• staying in relationship without asking enough questions
• warning signs are ignored, decisions based on emotions
• compromising your beliefs and value system
• attraction and sexual desire blind you
• unduly influenced by outside pressure
• loneliness and a sense of emptiness
• avoiding an imp. issue or sit.

• passionate love
• companionate love

• relatively new type of love, replaced contract arrangements
• "Fiddler on the roof"
• intensity of passionate love will fade

• sharing intimate experiences, friendship
• in arranged marriages-4% divorce rate

many aspects of love are made up of three related components: passion, intimacy, and decision/commitment

• romantic love
• strong physiological arousal + sharing of one's self, which results in intimacy
• movies

• fatuous love
• develops without experiences that build intimacy
• developing intimacy takes time
• short lived, often due incompatibility
• whirlwind courtship/marriage without shared beliefs
• sometimes called foolish love

• compassionate love
• deep friendship and strong desire to be together
• when passion wanes, partners discover whether there is enough friendship and commitment to make the relationship last
• the ingredients of most lasting relationships

• intimacy + passion + commitment
• Sternberg believes it is difficult to maintain
• no guarantees that consumate love will continue
• it may fade, with its disappearance becoming evident only after it is almost gone
• couples must work to maintain it

1. love is not falling in love - romanticlove is something we fall into & doesnt require conscious choice

Peck suspects that RL is a part of our genetic makeup which motivates sexual behavior for the survival of the species

• "i could not live without him/her" -reflects parasitism not love
• When dependency needs are dominent, relationship based on insecurities, may superficially look loving but sick
• Peck believes "2 people love each other only when they are quite capable of living without each other, but choose to live together

• The parent who gives everything and overprotects does not nurture maturity and growth, but rather infantilism/dependency
• Love is not just giving but the strength to say no when giving is inappropriate
• Difficult decision-making is involved to determine when to give and when to withhold

• love is purposeful - growth
• willful - conscious choice to behave in loving ways 
• extend self
• the work of love requires overcoming laziness

• 1. love is not falling in love
• 2. love is not based on dependency
• 3. self sacrifice/excessive nurturing is not love

• 1. requires a conscious decision to set aside time and energy to pay attention to the one we love
• 2. fundamental way of attending is listening

• Burr, day, bahr
• 1. oriented toward fostering the growth of others
• 2. emphasizes one's behavior and action over feelings and sentiment
• 3. is unconditional
• 4. is enduring