final exam

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  1. Harmful attitudes
    • faultfinding
    • winning-my way is the only way
    • unquenchable need for security
    • an unforgiving spirit
  2. Positive attitudes
    • accept personal responsibility for relationship
    • learn acceptance
    • remember your friendship
    • yield to win
    • turmoil not allowed to transcend relationship
    • hold high standards
  3. 7 principles for making marriage work
    Gottmans research

    • Knowing what stable, happy couples did right was more important than knowing wht unstable couples did wrong
    • Knowing how stable couples deal with conflict will help in developing strategies for troubled couples
    • Helping couples maintain 5:1 ratio
    • mismatched styles- one or both partners must make adjustments
    • Even stable couples have perpetual problems
  4. ___% of problems are perpetual
  5. The Sound Marital House

    • has 7 floors
    • foundation is imp.
    • house is continually under attack by 4 horsemen
  6. Sound marital house provides
    • 1. a descripton of stable marriages (the 7 floors)
    • 2. a prescription - what ciouples need to do to maintain health or rebuild that structure (7 principles)
  7. over 50% of divorces occur:
    first 7 years of marriage
  8. The 1st three floors
    Based on essential ingredient of stable marriages - a solid friendship
  9. 1st floor made up of:
    1st Principle:
    a continuing interest in your partners life. Exhibit this interest everyday

    Find out about the details of partners life
  10. 2nd Floor:
    • made up of fondness and admiration
    • glue that holds relationship together
    • the horseman contempt is especially harmful to this glue
    • F.&A. keep the 4 horsemen from eating away the foundation
    • A clue to whether this glue still exists is how partners remember their past together
  11. 2nd principle:
    take time to nurture the fondness and admiration system
  12. How to nurture the fondness and admiration system-
    • show interest
    • be affectionate
    • be appreciative
    • show concern
    • be empathetic
    • show you care
    • be accepting
    • joke around
    • share joy
    • use repair attempts during conflict
    • show understanding
  13. 3rd floor
    • stable cuples turn toward each other in positive ways each day
    • adds to emotional bank account
    • little moments when partners turn towrds each other are imp.
  14. 3rd principle:
    redouble your effort to turn toward each other in support
  15. 4th floor
    • partners experience positive sentiment overide
    • allows some negativity to be processed in marriage without infering evil intent
    • with F&A and positive sentiment overide, partners are more likely to accept influence
  16. Some marital therapies only each conflict resolution fail...
    a reciprical relationship exists between a husbands accepting influence and a wife's use of soft start up during conflict
  17. 4th principle
    allow yourself to be influenced by your partner
  18. 5th floor
    solve your solvable problems
  19. 5th principle
    learn marriage masters skills to solve solvable problems
  20. Skills the marriage masters use:
    • 1. start conflict discussions softly
    • 2. know about repair attempts, make them, and respond positively to them
    • 3. soothe yourself and partner
    • 4. compromise¬†
    • 5. be tolerant of partners faults
  21. maital paradox
    partners change only when they realize that being loved isnt contigent on change
  22. 6th floor
    make dreams come true by overcoming gridlock
  23. 6th principle
    • learn to live with unsolvable problems by...
    • -detect underlying dreams, where these dreams come from and why they are imp.
    • -discuss dreams in non judgemental ways
    • respect partners dream
  24. 7th floor
    • value shared meanings by creating family culture, rituals, customs, common goals...
    • talk to each other about beliefs, values, traditions, dreams, and things of importance
  25. 7th principle
    create customs, rituals, common goals, etc.. that are shared, imp., and enjoyed by everyone (shared meanings) so that family members feel they are working toether as a team to achieve common objectives and goals
Card Set:
final exam

ch 10
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