Murdered to Death Act II Scene 1 - Inspector Pratt

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  1. Dorothy: All right. But you're not an old duffer. You meant a lot to my aunt.
    [Enter, ahead of Thomkins] Come on, Thompson, it's only a scratch. [After Thomkins hobbles in.] Afternoon, all.
  2. Thomkins: Is it all right if I sit down for a moment, sir? I'm feeling rather faint.
    [Down Center] Faint! Don't know what's wrong with you, man. Superficial flesh wound... I've had worse from a flea bite. Two minutes, then you're back to work.
  3. ...
    Charles: Pity you weren't moving a bit faster a couple of hours ago, he might have missed you!
    I've had full weapons training, Colonel... I never miss.
  4. Charles: Damn it all... sounds as if you meant to shoot the poor blighter. Foolhardy if you ask me.
    [To Charles] But I don't ask you, Colonel. And might I remind you that you are still under suspicion of being a suspect. Tread warily, sir.
  5. Charles: Like him!
    Elizabeth: Come along, Dorothy... we'll be upstairs, Inspector.
    Very good, miss.
  6. Dorothy: Just a moment. I need to speak to you, Inspector. [Phone rings.] Hallo, Bagshot House... yes, yes he is. I'll get him for you. It's for you, Inspector.
    Ah... that'll be for me. Who is it?
  7. Dorothy: The Deputy Chief Constable.
    Ah... are you sure he wanted me? Did he mention my name.... it might be for Thompson...
  8. Dorothy: I think his exact words were, "Is the idiot who's in charge of the investigation there?"
    Thomkins: Oh, it is for you, sir.
    [Scowl at Thomkins, take phone] Pratt... no, not you, sir. I'm Pratt... yes, very apt, sir... well, it's just a scratch really... same weapons, yes, sir... complaint? But I'm very close to an arrest... very good, sir... [Think the phone's been hung up on other end.] ... sir? ... hallo? ... Perhaps if you got your fat bottom out of that chair once in a while. [Startled] Sorry, sir! Thought you'd gone, sir. [Wince, then put phone down.]
  9. Thomkins: He sounded on good form, sir.
    [Center] Good form? Yes. He's very pleased with progress. Unfortunately it would seem that someone rang him... made allegations. On your foot, Thompson, I want to get it wrapped up once and for all. [Pause for Thompson to get up.] It appears that we're not... you're not doing your job properly, Thompson. Incompetent. It wouldn't be you would it, Colonel? Are you the alligator?
  10. Charles: As a matter of fact, old boy, I did make the odd call.
    Aha... watch him very closely, Thompson... trouble maker.
  11. Charles: No need to take it personally, y'know. Wasn't casting aspersions. I simply said that things seemed to be dragging a bit this end and could they speed things up yours.
    [To Charles] Speed things up! I'll speed things up so much you'll wish... you'll wish... well you'll jolly well wish they weren't. What do you say to that, Colonel Haddock?
  12. Margaret: Oh no... it's you again, Sergeant.
  13. Charles: Really! Got the impression from the call that you were probably down to Constable by now!
    [Center] Thompson, if the Colonel opens his mouth again, book it.
  14. Thompson: Yes, sir. What for, sir?
    Anything! Use your imagination, man. Disturbing the police... loitering with a tent.
  15. Margaret: May I ask when we will be allowed to leave, Sergeant? I see nothing to be gained by our presence and I'd rather like to get away before you shoot someone else.
    [To Margaret] Missus Haddock, please don't push me further. You can learn from this Thompson. You'll come across all kinds of provocation, but you must always keep a cool, clear, empty head. Otherwise you'll cease to function as a finely tuned crime detection machine. I've learnt this from my twenty years on the force.
  16. Charles: And how many Constables have you shot in that time?
    [To Charles] Book him, Thompson... book him!
  17. Dorothy: May I have a word now, Inspector?
    [To Dorothy] No you may not! I'm in charge. [Go to Center]
  18. ...
    Thomkins: Really? My Aunty Doris swears by boiled cabbage.
    Thompson, do you mind!
  19. Thomkins: Sorry, sir.
    I'd liked to continue by...
  20. Joan: I'd be very interested in the details of hte cabbage preparation, Constable. Perhaps you might give it to me later.
    I'd like to continue by...
  21. Joan: Mind you, the price of vegetables can be quite prohibitive at this time of year. Fortunately I have a small vegetable plot.
    Missus Marble.
  22. Joan: Yes, Inspector?
    May I be allowed to carry on?
  23. Joan: But of course, Inspector. I'm so interested to hear your next line of inquiry.
    Thank you. I'd like to continue by...
  24. ...
    Joan: I phoned Mister Coupling in the village and asked him to deliver here. He really does make exceedingly fine cream fancies.
    Is that all!
  25. Joan: Oh dear. I fear I've upset you, Inspector. Perhaps you would have preferred an individual fruit tart?
    [Turn my back to Joan] I live in hope that we will be finished here long before tea. Now I'd like to continue another small experiment. Fetch the gun, Thompson.
  26. Margaret: You're not fetching that thing in here with me!
    Rest assured, Madam, there'll be no more incendiary incidents... I think Thompson's learnt his lesson.
  27. Thompkins: Where is the gun, sir?
    I don't know. I gave it to you!
  28. Thomkins: I don't think so, sir. I was holding my foot if you remember, sir.
    Joan: I can confirm that, Inspector. I have a very good memory for detail.
    Then I must have left it in the dining room.
  29. Thomkins: Very good, sir.
    [To Dorothy] It occurs to me that the bullet which perpetrated Miss Bogshot clean between the eyes was either an expert one or a lucky one.
  30. Charles: Hardly lucky for her, old boy!
    Have any of you handled a gun before?
  31. Charles: I have obviously.
    [To Charles] Obviously! And why should that be so obvious, Colonel?
  32. Charles: Well... I was in the army of course!
    Really! Why have you kept this such a closely guarded secret? What rank did you attain?
  33. Charles: Dash it all, man... it's general knowledge!
    Ah, so... you were a General, Colonel!
  34. Charles: Don't talk balderdash, man... I was a Colonel!
    So why try to deceive me! Why are you so anxious to confuse me with red haddocks, Colonel Herring!
  35. Thomkins: It's not there, sir.
    What! It must be!
  36. Charles: Damned careless if you ask me. Wasn't still loaded was it?
    [To Charles] Loaded? Of course not, Colonel... do you take me for a fool?
  37. Joan: I have a sense of foreboding. I suspect that we may all be in terrible danger, Inspector. There's no telling the actions of an unhinged mind.
    Nonsense. No danger at all... perfectly safe. Still, I think I've got as far as I can here. I'll leave it to you, Thompson. I must get back to the station... damned paperwork... [move to door]
  38. Thomkins: Could I have a word, sir?
    All wait out in the hall, if you please. [Stand to right side of hall door, hold back curtain. Once they're gone, to back to Center.] Get on with it then.
  39. Thomkins: I think the killer may have played into our hands, sir.
    Quite, Thompson. A mad man on the rampage with a gun. We've got him exactly where he wants us!
  40. Thomkins: I think we should send them all to their rooms, sir. Then you announce that you're going to search their rooms.
    Oh, very good, Thompson! So I walk into the lion's burrow and find the killer with a gun at my head.
  41. Thomkins: No, I don't think so, sir. My guess is that whoever has the gun will panic and dispose of it out of the window. Their rooms all face the front of the house. I was thinking of taking a hobble onto the drive, sir.
    What for?
  42. Thomkins: To see where the gun comes from.
    Mmn... has it's merits I suppose. You search the rooms. I'll keep a look out... wouldn't want you to get your foot cold. [Push him to the door.] Off you go then, THOMKINS.
  43. Thomkins: Thompson, sir. [We do a double-take.] Would you all retire to your rooms, please. Straight away... thank you.
    [Walking DSL] This had better work, man. [Stand thinking, looking out stage left.]
  44. Dorothy: Inspector.
    [Scream. Turn to Dorothy.] Ah! Miss Foxhunt.
  45. Dorothy: At last I've got you alone, Inspector.
  46. Dorothy: I've got a confession to make... a score to settle. It's time for retribution.
    [Terrified] There's really no need. We can do a deal.
  47. Dorothy: What sort of deal?
    Anything you like. You can just walk out of here. I won't say a word... I'll forget I've ever seen you. Borrow my car if you like.
  48. Dorothy: No, Inspector, I must finish it now.
    [Squeel and fall to knees... grovel] Please Missus Foxhunt... don't do it. I'm just a poor copper trying to get through to retirement. I wouldn't hurt a fly. Think of my family... the two little Pratts. I won't tell anyone you're the murderer.
  49. Dorothy: But I'm not the murderer. I have some other information for you. Excuse me, this is all so upsetting.
    Not the murderer?
  50. Dorothy: No, Inspector.
    Quite so. I was concerned about this rather nasty stain on your carpet. I think you'll find a little warm water should do the trick. Now, about this other matter. Does your information concern the identity of the brutal killer and murderer?
  51. Dorothy: Not exactly but...
    Then it can wait. I have little time. Even as I speak I am currently implementing a daring plan to flush out the miscreant.
  52. Dorothy: But...
    I'm sure your information can wait five minutes.
  53. Dorothy: But... yes, I suppose so. Five minutes. I'm sorry if I frightened you earlier.
    Frightened? Oh, don't be deceived, Miss Foxhole. Just a cunning ploy to draw you into a making a run for it. I think I can illuminate you from further inquiries. [After Dorothy exist, sigh, wipe my brow, move to follow. Gunshots. Try to burrow under the couch cushions screaming.]
  54. Dorothy: He's trying to kill... [Dorothy falls to the floor.]
    Pause, lift head up, see Dorothy's body] Thompson... Thompson! [Scream and burrow under cushions again.]
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Murdered to Death Act II Scene 1 - Inspector Pratt
2013-10-05 03:54:32

Cue lines and lines for Inspector Pratt
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