FOTB Act II

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Author:
eonduane
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269831
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FOTB Act II
Updated:
2014-04-10 18:49:25
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Father Bride
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Father of the Bride, Stanley
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  1. (p 28) Ben: Silly! Anything you make. Come on, I'll take you home. Peggy: Don't you think I can find my way next door alone?
    "Hi." "Nobody home?" (reading) Call Buckingham Caterers, Sam's Store, Weisgold, Babette, Helene... (groan) Who are all these Babette's and Helene's and Colette's....?
  2. Tommy: Hi, Pops.
    Hi, son. Where is everybody?
  3. Tommy: Miss Belamy's upstairs and Mom and Kay will come home any minute with a scad of boxes talking about how their feet hurt...and they couldn't find a thing! They phoned they might be late.
    Since Kay is going to live in a house the size of a matchbox and spend most of her time with her head in the oven I don't see why she has to have clothes for everything from a royal baptism to a Mardi Gras...
  4. Ben: Hi!
    Hi, son.
  5. Tommy: Pop...women are awfully peculiar, aren't they?
    Yes. They are.
  6. Ben: What's wrong? Oh...I know, the phone isn't ringing.
    (pause) Buckley ought to be here.
  7. Tommy: Why?
    Sort of a male mourners' bench.
  8. Ben: Have you got any buttons on your shirts?
    No.
  9. Tommy: Me either. (ring) Ben: We're off again...Hello, who is it? ...Sam's Liquor Store...just a minute....Pop...
    Hello, Sam...Yes, I've thought it over. ...No, the heck with imported champagne, I want American. ...You'll give me a BARGAIN for forty five dollars a case? Now listen, Sam, I'm an old customer, I'm not a big customer and I'm not a millionaire but I've been buying from you for twenty years... How many cases will I need, six? SIX? Six cases at forty-five a case, my gosh, Sam. ...Well if you can't do any better you can't. ...Yes, I'll take it. ...That's definite. Okay, Sam. (hang up)
  10. Ben: Two-seventy...
    Almost three hundred dollars!
  11. Kay: Hi! Everybody...Hi, Pops.
    Hello, Kitten.
  12. .....Tommy: What did I tell you? And you didn't find a thing, did you? Mrs Banks: Where's Miss Bellamy?
    The phone drove her upstairs. I just got here myself.
  13. ...Tommy: i said I don't understand, didn't I? Kay: Those are old clothes, Tommy. O-l-d!
    My checkbook says some of them are about six months old. I agree with Tommy. I don't understand.
  14. Ben: Poor girl hasn't a thing to put on! Kay: Pops, you wouldn't want me to get married and go about in clothes eveybody has SEEN and SEEN, would you?
    Why not? The things you have are very becoming.
  15. Kay: Oh, DEAR! Mother, explain to him. Tommy: How can you explain? A girl has a closet full of clothes and she goes and buys another closet full of clothes! You can't explain that!
    If they were old, that I could understand.
  16. Kay: But I've worn them, Pops, don't you see?
    No, frankly, I don't
  17. Kay, Tommy, Mrs, Tommy, Ben, Tommy: But WHY? She likes the others. Kay: Because I'll be a different person, because...Oh! I can't explain...  Tommy: I don't get it!
    I get it. The thing is barbaric again, with the chief's daughter go three yoke of white oxen, five trunks of rare silk, a hundred of the best sheep and a barrel full of beads...
  18. Kay, Ben, Kay, Mrs, Tommy: A few little things! Kay: Okay. I'll take them all back. I'll take them all back tomorrow...
    Kitten...buy what you need. But don't expect your male relatives not to flinch. And don't forget, I'm just a minor chief, not a great big chief. Be merciful.
  19. Kay: Oh! Father. I'm not spending an awful lot, really, I'm not.
    I want you to have everything you want.
  20. Pops, you're a love.
    So are you, darling.
  21. Mrs Banks: Stanley, will you please do me a favor, now, this minute...
    What favor, Ellie?
  22. Mrs Banks: Go and try on your cutaway. If it has to be altered you can't wait any longer.
    It will fit.
  23. Mrs Banks: Stanley, you haven't had it on for twenty years.
    I know, but...
  24. Mrs Banks: Well, try it an find OUT...
    You fuss so, Ellie... (exit L)
  25. (2pp) Mrs Banks: Well, we'll just have to stack better in the cellar... Tommy: Oh, Mom! It's stacked now! Mrs Banks: STANLEY!
    What's wrong?
  26. Mrs Banks: Nothing, dear. You look WONDERFUL!  Kay: You look so pretty, Pop!
    I do?
  27. Mrs Banks: I t looks as though you'd bought it yesterday! Tommy: Heck! He looks like a movie actor!
    Not bad for a man of my age. --hm!
  28. Mrs Banks: I never dreamed you could get into it. You look so worldly!
    Do I, Ellie?
  29. Ben: Fine figure of a man! Mrs Banks: REALLY...you do look like a movie actor.
    Oh, Ellie! (start to sit)
  30. Mrs Banks: No, don't... I'd be a little careful sitting down. I think you should do it -- gently. Of course, it won't matter because you'll be standing all the time in the church, and here too.
    It's all right!
  31. Mrs Banks: I'm sure it is, but I'd be careful, just about sitting down too fast. I'm proud of you, Stanley.
    I guess I'm not as old as I thought I was!
  32. Mrs. Banks: ....We have to make room for more trash! Boys: Oh! MOM! Mrs Banks: Come on!

    Kay: Will you miss me, Pops?
    Don't let's talk about it, Kitten. If you're happy, I'm happy!
  33. Kay: You're so sweet, Pops. I'm going to miss you horribly.
    No, you won't. But thanks, anyway. (pause) Love, me?
  34. Kay: Um-m. You're the nicest father anyone could have.
    Thanks, darling. (pause) Listen, Kitten, I've got an idea.
  35. Kay: Good! Let's have it.
    I don't know whether it's good or not. And for Heavens' sake don't tell your mother.
  36. Kay: Of course not. What is it, Pops?
    Maybe I shouldn't say anything?
  37. Kay: Oh! Come  on. You can't back down now.
    Okay! Here it is....
  38. Kay: Well? GIVE...
    I'll give you and Buckley fifteen hundred dollars to elope.
  39. Kay: You're kidding!
    It's cheap at the price. I'm not kidding! do you remember Buckley and that little ivy-covered chapel and you just walk in hand in hand in what you have on?
  40. Kay: Yes, I remember...
    I'm sure Buckley would be crazy about the idea.
  41. Kay: You didn't suggest it to him?
    No...but I'm sure he'd like it.
  42. Kay: I wouldn't suggest it to him if I were you, Pops.
    Why, Kitten?
  43. Kay: I think it might, well, upset him.
    How about it, my dear?
  44. Kay: You know you're just kidding...Fifteen hundred dollars!
    I am not kidding!
  45. Kay: Then you must be out of your mind!
    You thinks it's too much, or too little?
  46. Kay: Oh, darling, it's not that...
    What then?
  47. Kay: Why, you know Mom would die if I didn't have a wedding.
    I think I could manage your mother.
  48. Kay: I guess I'd die, too, Pops. It wouldn't seem like getting married!
    You'd die, too! ... Well, forget it, Kitten. it was just an idea I had.
  49. Kay: Thanks anyway.
    I guess I better see how Miss Bellamy is getting along...
  50. Mrs Banks: Where are you going, Stanley?
    To see Miss Bellamy.
  51. Mrs Banks: You'd better change your pants. Kay: Oh! No, Mom. Let him stay that way -- he's so pretty.
    The pants are all right, Ellie. (exit)
  52. (2pp) Mrs Banks: ...Doesn't one? I mean ...I'm sure she was right.
    Miss Bellamy: Mr. Banks!
    Yes, Miss Bellamy?
  53. Bellamy: How many years have I worked for you, Mr. Banks?
    Why, Miss Bellamy, why, twenty years.
  54. Bellamy: Twenty-two years and eight months, Mr. Banks.
    IS it really?
  55. Bellamy: Have you found me satisfactory?
    Satisfactory --- I couldn't get along without you ... you know that.
  56. Bellarmy: You have found me methodical and efficient?
    Of course.
  57. Bellamy: You have never found me to be a fool?
    Mrs Banks: Oh! My goodness...
    Miss Bellamy... you are ill?
  58. Bellamy: I am not ill. Mr. Banks... I wish to resign.
    Oh, NO! Miss Bellamy, please, what are you saying?
  59. Bellamy: I am saying merely that I wish to resign my position as your secretary, Mr. Banks.
    But WHY?
  60. Bellamy: Because I have failed. I cannot do this job.
    OH! Miss Bellamy! Now let's talk it over.
  61. Bellamy, Mrs Banks, Kay, Bellamy: ....We cut out a hundred and twenty-five people altogether. That brings the grand total down to three hundred and forty-seven, leaving only forty-seven people to eliminate.
    Good girl!
  62. Bellamy: Yes, I was pleased, Mr. Banks. That left the problem largely on of who belonged in the church and who belonged at the Reception. You follow me?
    Yes, yes.
  63. Bellamy: .....I had only thirty-two surplus in the House to get rid of to make your top figure of three hundred in the Church and one hundred fifty in the House.
    I knew you could do it!
  64. Mrs Banks: That's fine! Bellamy: I have just recounted, Mr. Banks. Eighty people who were in "Church Only" have got back into the House when my back was turned.
    Well, by---!
  65. Bellamy: .....I cannot function in a state of Civil War. I am not Abraham Lincoln, although I say, with him, "A House divided against itself cannot stand"...
    Who has moved eighty people from "Church Only" to the reception? (pause) These poor souls did not walk out of the Church and into the House themselves. Now. it was distinctly understood no one was to touch the files.
  66. Kay: I think it's terrible card-indexing our friends. I hated it in the first place. I don't think it;'s any of Miss Bellamy's business...and that isn't the point, anyway.
    Oh, it isn't?
  67. Kay: No, it isn't. And I think it's an insult to ask people to "Church Only." It's worse than not asking them at all. You might just as well slap their faces.
    How many people were on the original list, Kay?
  68. Kay: Well, I know, Pops, but... that was just silly. Everybody wrote down everybody...
    There were four hundred and seventy-two. do you wish them all at your reception?
  69. Kay: Oh, no, no, no. I want about fifty -- I keep telling you. You miss the point!
    What is the point, my dear?
  70. Kay: The point is... Who said there could be three hundred at the church and hundred and fifty at the house...without even asking me?
    Your mother and I, Kay!
  71. Kay: But why?
    Because the church will hold three hundred and the house will hold a hundred and fifty! Somebody and to be definite! Every time we talk about it, you just get angry and rush out of the room.
  72. Kay: What do I want with the Garden Club and your Bridge Club and the Boy Scouts and probably a lot of your clients? It's not fair.
    You and your mother want a very small wedding to which everyone is asked. This is not possible!
  73. Kay: You don't hae to talk to me as though I were an imbecile!
    I am forced to talk to your as though you were an imbecile, because this is not possible!
  74. Kay: My list wasn't big at all! It was fifty!
    And how many have you added since?
  75. Mrs Banks: We did add just a few cards, Stanley: people who really must come.
    At least your mother has the courage of her convictions. Be realistic, Kay.
  76. Kay: I am!
    You say your list wasn't big. I bet by now it's twice fifty! Have you counted?
  77. Kay: No, but I ...
    But you've put in a card whenever you felt like it.
  78. Kay: But I keep thinking of people who'd never forgive me.
    Don't we all?
  79. Mrs Banks: Stanley, dear...
    Kay: But it's my wedding!
    It may be your wedding but your mother and I have lived here ever since we got married, and the boys all their lives. We all have friends. We all have the same trouble that you do: we keep thinking of people.
  80. Kay:....I thought weddings were supposed to be beautiful! I just don't want anything more to do with it, that's all. It's too ugly and ... and sordid! (exits, loudly)
    Now what...?
  81. Mrs Banks: I think it's just nerves, dear.
    Every time we talk about the wedding she has a tantrum!
  82. Mrs Banks: I know... she's very jumpy. I think perhaps it's best to pay no attention.
    All right. Your mother has confessed. Now...who else? 

  83. Tommy, Mrs, Tommy, Mrs, Tommy: ...What am I supposed to do? Stand around all by myself and have people tell me how much I've grown?
    Concede Buzz. He's just one. Call him moral support for Tommy. Now Ben...
  84. Ben: Okay, I changed a few.
    So, Miss Bellamy is right. It is Civil War. Now, listen, you people are looking at this whole thing upside down. It's not a question of hwo many you WANT. You must start with the house. It is PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE for more than a hundred and fifty people to get INTO this house! There's no use asking them. They can't GET IN. The others have GOT to be "Church Only" or not get asked at all. Now...
  85. Mrs Banks: But, Stanley, we know all that.
    (yelling) You know it, but you keep putting people back in the reception. What am I supposed to do, call private detectives?
  86. Mrs Banks: ....Your father has been in the files himself. Tommy: A fine thing, after riding me about Buzz!
    Harry Sparkman is one of my most intimate friends!
  87. Mrs Banks: How ridiculous! You never see him.
    AND a very good client.
  88. Mrs Banks: We never see them, and as for that dyed-haired woman I don't care if I never have her in my house again.
    Harry Sparkman asked us to his daughter's wedding, I want you to remember, and you were glad enough to go.
  89. Ben: The people I changed were Peggy's cousins from Pittsburgh. Good grief---! I'm going to marry Peggy, and you left out her cousins.
    The list has to be cut to the bone. And now. It has to go to the printer tomorrow!
  90. (doorbell) Ben:Who said peace? I'm going to scram. Tommy: Me, too. Ben: It's worse than Grand Central!
    Look at me. Anyone will think I'm crazy!
  91. Mrs, Delilah, Mrs Banks: What in heaven's name? Oh, of course. It's the caterer about the reception.
    "Buckingham Caterers. Luncheons, Dinners, Buffets, Weddings and Lodge Meetings."...
  92. Mrs Banks: Sally Harrison had him for little Sally's wedding. She was crazy about him. Very reasonable, she said.
    I can't see him like this!
  93. Mrs Banks: Ask him to come in, Delilah. Of course you can. Don't be silly! Delilah: Yes, ma'am.
    Do we have to have one?
  94. (1/2 page) Massoula: That's one of Tommy Manville's weddings. We've done almost all of them. Good old Tommy. Delightful person, isn't he?
    Mrs Banks: Is he?
    (clearing throat) Ours...ours isn't going to be a large reception.
  95. Massoula: Small and SEE-lect, I understand perfectly.
    Just...well...just small, lets say.
  96. Massoula: Well, then, let's look at this one.
    And we don't want a cake.
  97. Massoula: I beg your pardon?
    We don't want a cake.
  98. Massoula: But WHY? Why?
    Every Tom, Dick and Harry has a cake. We think they're cheap. We don't want one.
  99. Massoula, Mrs Banks, Massoula: Well, let's get some idea of the champagne.
    I'm sorry. As a matter of fact, I've bought the champagne.
  100. Massoula: MISTER Banks! You've bought it!?
    Yes. I...I didn't know.
  101. Massoula: Then we will have to charge corkage, of course.
    Corkage?
  102. Massoula: A dollar a bottle for drawing and pouring.
    Oh!
  103. You're serving French champagne, of course.
    No, as a matter of fact, I'm not.
  104. (1/2 page) Massoula: Of course, of course, and Buckingham wants you to have what you want. Now, where will the reception take place?
    Here!
  105. Massoula: Here? In this house?
    We live here.
  106. Mrs Banks: It's our home.
    Massoula: May I bring in Joe who is our circulation expert?
    Circulation?
  107. Mrs Banks: Yes, of course...
    My Heavens! Ellie, what are we in for?
  108. Mrs Banks: Sally said he was reasonable.
    He's a twirp.
  109. M: This is Joe. J: Please to meetcha. Mrs Banks: How do you do! Massoula: What attendance do you anticipate?
    About a hundred and fifty.
  110. Joe: Chees! Massoula: Of course you're planning for a marquee on the terrace?
    There is no terrace.
  111. Massoula: But, Mr. Banks...
    (shouting) The house has no terrace!
  112. Massoula: Then certainly we must have a marquee.
    Nonsense! If they overflow the house they can tramp around the yard!
  113. Massoula: And what if it rains?
    It won't.
  114. Mrs Banks: Stanley, what would we do if it rains?
    It won't, I say.
  115. Massoula: MISTER Banks, how can you say?
    Mrs Banks: It might, dear...
    (bellowing) I say it won't rain!
  116. (3/4 page) Mrs Banks: I'm planning to take a lot of things up to the attic...we're going to take up the rug...
    Joe: Taking up the rug don't give no more room.
    (furious) All right... you don't like our house!
  117. Massoula: MISTER Banks...
    Have you any suggestions?
  118. Massoula, Joe, Massoula,
    Mrs Banks: You don't mean the big davenport and the armchairs?
    Massoula: I mean EVERYTHING!
    Well, for Pete's sake!
  119. Massoula: And that chandelier...could that be looped up or something?
    It's not rubber.
  120. Massoula: It's in the way. Get rid of it. Now these doors between the rooms. Take them off.
    Mrs Banks: What do you think I've got upstairs, a storage warehouse?
    And who's supposed to get the stuff up there and down again?
  121. Massoula, Mrs Banks: Now don't touch my Spirea! I planted it myself. You mustn't really touch my Spirea. It was just a tiny bush...
    And you haven't answered my question about the furniture.
  122. Massoula: It must all come out. I TOLD YOU, Mr. Banks.
    Who takes it all out?
  123. Massoula: Our movers, Mr. Banks. Buckingham will take care of everything, sir.
    (really worked up) And for tearing down my house, pulling up my shrubs, banging around my furniture and taking care of everything, how much will Buckingham charge me?
  124. Massoula: It will be a trifling, sir. Trifling. And satisfaction guaranteed.
    No matter how trifling, I'd like some idea?
  125. Massoula: It's hard to say exactly, now.
    I'D LIKE SOME IDEA. NOW!
  126. M: Say, approximately $3.75 a unit...
    Mrs: A unit?
    Massoula: A head, if you prefer, a person. Plus corkage. Plus incidentals.
    I don't like incidentals!
  127. (blah, blah) ...Mrs Banks: I DID thing the chandelier would be so pretty...
    Plus corkage. Plus incidentals. Plus this. Plus that. Who told all these people I was a millionaire?
  128. Mrs Banks: You don't really think they will dig up my bushes, Stanley?
    Three seventy-five a unit! Ellie, have you multiplied that by a hundred and fifty?
  129. Mrs Banks: Roughly yes, dear. You know I'm not very accurate without a pencil.
    It's robbery!
  130. Mrs Banks: What can we do?
    We can tell them to go to blazes!
  131. Mrs Banks: Sally said they were the cheapest.
    We can still tell them to go to blazes!
  132. Mrs Banks: But, Stanley--
    We can call that little twirp in, he and his circulation manager, and tell him to take Buckingham and...   (ready to sit)
  133. Mrs Banks: Then what would you do...?
    (sit)
    Mrs Banks: Look out--! Your pants, Stanley!
    We can't do anything. That's what makes it so hard.
  134. Mrs Banks: Stanley, before I forget. I hope you'll go shopping with me this week.
    Now what?
  135. Mrs Banks: If we want it marked in time we've just got to pick it out this week.
    Pick what out?
  136. Mrs Banks: Kay's flat silver.
    Kay's flat silver!
  137. Mrs Banks: Her table silver! You know we give her her flat silver and her linens?
    Linen?
  138. Mrs Banks: For an intelligent man hyou're very stupid, Stanley. Her sheets and napkins and towels...and all that.
    (yell) Well for the love of--! Doesn't Buckley's family give anything but Buckley?
  139. Mrs Banks: Don't yell at me, Stanley. I didn't invent these marriage customs...
    Who did? Some cannibal chief. I don't want any part of it. I don't want anything to do with it!
  140. Mrs Banks: Do you think I like it any better than you do?
    Yes I do.
  141. Mrs Banks: (near tears) Now, Stanley...
    All right, then. You don't. Look...it's spring. Boy meets girl. You put a few lines in the paper saying they plan to get married. Then it starts.
  142. Mrs Banks: It will all straighten out, dear.
    It should be simple. Two young people want to get married. But instead of that all pandemonium breaks loose. The system gets you. The advertisers, the salesmen...
  143. Mrs Banks: I know it's confusing.
    You get on a moving belt and you never get off again. Champagne salesmen, caterers, photographers, who's going to do the flowers, dressmakers, underwear people, baggage, eight bridesmaids, dresses for all them, silver, linen, presents...paper and boxes all over the house so you can't sit down! Strangers barging in and out as though they owned you. The telephone cutting your brain into small pieces.....and I've got no buttons on my shirts. Not one!
  144. Mrs Banks: Oh, dear! I'm sorry. I've been so busy.
    They tear the house apart. Throw the furniture out. Pull off the chandelier. Build marquees. Heaven knows how many people in a house that won't hold a hundred and fifty....insanity and financial ruin!
  145. Mrs Banks: You mustn't be so upset dear.
    Upset? If I weren't upset I'd be crazy! Then I'd be really crazy! Stanley Banks, producer of the Super-Colossal Performance entitled "Wedding Bells." Only I'm not a producer. I'm just a simple man with a pretty daughter who wants to marry a pair of glasses. And look what's happened to me!
  146. Mrs Banks: Now, Stanley...
    Don't "Now Stanley" me!
  147. Mrs Banks: All right, dear, all right.
    And don't "All right" me, either! Let's go see where they're going to put that blame marquee.
  148. (3 1/2 pages) Kay: Buckley! Oh! No! No! No! He's gone!  (enter) Mrs Banks:...Your father has something to tell you. Kay: Have you, Father?
    Mrs Banks: Kay, what are you doing? What's the matter?
    Kay: Nothing, Mother.
    What's the matter, Kay, are you sick? What are you going to do with the card index?
  149. Kay: I'm going to burn it!
    Have you gone crazy? Why? Why?
  150. Kay: Because it's ruined my life!
    Kay, are you out of your mind?
  151. Mrs Banks: Darling. Your father made all the arrangements for the reception with Buckingham. It think it's going to be lovely!
    Kay: But...there isn't going to be any reception...
    What? Why? Why?
  152. Kay: Because there isn't going to be any wedding...
    Mrs Banks: Kay. What are you saying?
    Kay: Buckley's gone.
    Oh! Good grief! What in the name of---? (start to sit)
  153. Mrs Banks: Stanley....be careful!
    What is it Ellie? (sit, riiiip)

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