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Relationship Dialectics
p. 126
- Relationships must work out many dialectics -tension from opposing motives and desires
- 1. closedness vs. openness
- 2. autonomy vs. connection
- 3. novelty vs. predictability
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Complementary Relationship
p.126-127
Differences bring you together
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Symmetrical relationship
p. 126-127
similarities bring you together; both individuals share traits, interests, and approaches to communication.
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Reliance
p.127
- Independent - partners live separate and disconnected lives.
- Dependent - partners rely so much on one another that their identities are enmeshed with one another.
- Interdependent - Relationships in which the partners rely on one another but are not so dependent that they cannot make independent decisions when warranted.
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Messages
p.127
- Disconfirming messages - messages that deny the value of a relational partner by refusing to acknowledge his or her presence and communication.
- Confirming messages - Messages that value the partner's presence and contributions.
- Rejection messages - Messages that acknowledge the partner's presence and communication, but do not fully accept or agree with the partner.
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Other Factors
p.128-129
- Rigid vs. flexible
- dominant vs. passive
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Strategies for Managing Dialectics
p.129, Table 7.1
- Denial - partners claim that no tension exists
- Segmentation - partners segment their approach to a dialectic depending on the situation.
- Balance - Partners strike a compromise between opposing dialectics.
- Reaffirmation - Partners have competing needs, but accept the tension between dialectics.
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Family Characteristics
- Roles, responsibilities
- Shared history
- Shared space
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Two Types of Families
p. 129
- Those into which we're born
- Those we create
- Upbringing influences our future relationships
- We "manage" conflict the way we lived it
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"I" messages. Five ways to respond to conflict.
p. 131
Using "I" messages will help the other person hear what you have to say without feeling attacked or demeaned.
- Observation - describe what you see, hear, touch, and experience and focuses on facts.
- Feelings - describe your own feelings rather than using "you" statements.
- Wants - describe your wants and needs instead of hoping the person will guess what you want them to do or what you need from them.
- Thoughts - try "I" messages like "I feel secure when you tell me you love me more often," "I like it when you tell me whether or not you enjoyed the meal I cooked."
- Intention - describe what you plan to do. Rather than depend on the other, state your intentions.
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Conflict and types of conflict
p.136-137
- Perception of incompatible goals -
- Overt - out in the open
- Covert - hiding anger
- intended outcome - solve the problem, or "win"?
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Conflict Tactics
p. 131
- Non-negotiation
- Blame
- Gunneysacking
- Manipulation
- Below the belt
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Conflict Styles (5)
p. 138-140
- Collaborate - high concern for self and high concern for people
- Compromise - moderate concern for self and moderate concern for people.
- Accommodate - low concern for self and high concern for people.
- Avoid - low concern for self and low concern for people.
- Compete - high concern for self and low concern for people
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Friendship Types
- Reciprocity - equality
- Receptivity - status difference
- Association - transitory
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Cultures
p. 132
- Collectivist - close friendships, high expectations
- Individualistic - friendly, but also look out for self
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Dialectics
p.126
- Tension or opposition between interacting forces or elements or relationships.
- Every relationship must contend with several issues, or dialectics, in the negotiation of communication between the parties.
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