CH 7

• Relationships must work out many dialectics -tension from opposing motives and desires
• 1. closedness vs. openness
• 2. autonomy vs. connection
• 3. novelty vs. predictability

Differences bring you together

similarities bring you together; both individuals share traits, interests, and approaches to communication.

• Independent - partners live separate and disconnected lives.
• Dependent - partners rely so much on one another that their identities are enmeshed with one another.
• Interdependent - Relationships in which the partners rely on one another but are not so dependent that they cannot make independent decisions when warranted.

• Disconfirming messages - messages that deny the value of a relational partner by refusing to acknowledge his or her presence and communication.
• Confirming messages - Messages that value the partner's presence and contributions.
• Rejection messages - Messages that acknowledge the partner's presence and communication, but do not fully accept or agree with the partner.

• Defensive
• Supportive

• Rigid vs. flexible
• dominant vs. passive

• Denial - partners claim that no tension exists
• Segmentation - partners segment their approach to a dialectic depending on the situation.
• Balance - Partners strike a compromise between opposing dialectics.
• Reaffirmation - Partners have competing needs, but accept the tension between dialectics.

• Roles, responsibilities
• Shared history
• Shared space

• Those into which we're born
• Those we create
• Upbringing influences our future relationships
• We "manage" conflict the way we lived it

Using "I" messages will help the other person hear what you have to say without feeling attacked or demeaned. 

• Observation - describe what you see, hear, touch, and experience and focuses on facts.
• Feelings - describe your own feelings rather than using "you" statements.
• Wants - describe your wants and needs instead of hoping the person will guess what you want them to do or what you need from them.
• Thoughts - try "I" messages like "I feel secure when you tell me you love me more often," "I like it when you tell me whether or not you enjoyed the meal I cooked."
• Intention - describe what you plan to do. Rather than depend on the other, state your intentions.

• Perception of incompatible goals -
• Overt - out in the open
• Covert - hiding anger
• intended outcome - solve the problem, or "win"?

• Non-negotiation
• Blame
• Gunneysacking
• Manipulation
• Below the belt

• Collaborate - high concern for self and high concern for people
• Compromise - moderate concern for self and moderate concern for people.
• Accommodate - low concern for self and high concern for people.
• Avoid - low concern for self and low concern for people.
• Compete - high concern for self and low concern for people

• Reciprocity - equality
• Receptivity - status difference
• Association - transitory

• Collectivist - close friendships, high expectations
• Individualistic - friendly, but also look out for self

• Tension or opposition between interacting forces or elements or relationships.
• Every relationship must contend with several issues, or dialectics, in the negotiation of communication between the parties.