Ch. 10 Transgressions and Hurt Feelings
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What are the seven degrees of acceptance and rejection?
- Maximal inclusion (go out of way to include)
- Active inclusion (welcome but do not seek)
- Passive inclusion (permit inclusion)
- Ambivalence (do not care either way)
- Passive exclusion (ignore but do not avoid)
- Active exclusion (avoid but tolerate if necessary)
- Maximal exclusion (send away or abandon)
What might affect our reactions to experiences of acceptance or rejection?
Our reactions to these experiences are based on how much we want to be accepted by those who either accept or reject us.
What are the effects of acceptance and rejection and how does relational value play into it?
- We feel happier when accepted and experience painful emotions when rejected
- the more we place relational value on someone or a group the more painful it is when rejected but the more joyful when accepted
What is ostracism?
a form of rejection that occurs when people are given the "cold shoulder" and ignored by those around them
Why might ostracism be used?
as an effective way to punish their partners, avoid confrontation, or to calm down and cool off following a conflict
Why is ostracism painful for the target?
- it threatens basic social needs like our need to belong (its dehumanizing)
- damages self-worth
- reduces perceived control over our interactions
What are the reactions of those who have been ostracized?
- threat to belongingness leads to working harder to regain partner's regard if relationship and relational value is perceived as repairable
- seek new, less punishing partner when exclusion occurs
What is jealousy?
involves feelings ranging from sad dejection to actual pride based on hurt, anger, and fear
What are the 2 types of jealousy?
- reactive: when someone becomes aware of an actual threat to a valued relationship
- suspicious: when one's partner hasn't misbehaved and one's suspicions do not fit the facts at hand
Who are most prone to jealousy?
- those who are dependent upon their partner and/or feel inadequate in the relationship
- those with preoccupied attachment styles
- those with the neurotic personality trait
- traditional gender roles
Who and what gets us jealous?
- men are jealous of more self-confident, dominant, assertive, and rich men
- men and women are jealous of more attractive women and men
What is the evolutionary account of jealousy?
- it evolved to motivate behavior designed to protect our close relationships from the interference of others
- men had/have problem of paternity uncertainty due to multiple relationships
- women fear emotional infidelity due to requiring commitment from man to take care of child
What are our responses to jealousy?
- intense negative response: lashing out through violent behavior or verbal antagonism, or attempts to make jealous in return
- subtle negative response: spying on partner, restricting partner freedom, or threatening rivals
- positive response: expressing concerns and trying to work things out by making selves more desirable
how can response to jealousy differ based on attachment style and gender/sex?
- secure/preoccupied styles are more likely to express concerns and try to repair relationship
- dismissing/fearful are more likely to avoid issue and deny distress
- women seek to improve the relationship by making themselves more attractive to their partners
- men seek to protect their ego by getting drunk and threaten rival
How do you cope constructively with jealousy?
- spend less time on social media sites like facebook
- reduce the connection between the exclusivity of a relationship and our sense of self-worth when jealousy is justified and rival is real
- practice self-reliance: refusing to dwell on the unfairness of the situation
- practice self-bolstering: boosting self-esteem by doing something nice for oneself and thinking about one's good qualities
What is deception?
intentional behavior that creates an impression in the recipient that the deceiver knows to be untrue
What are the different forms of deception?
- conceal information: not mention details that would communicate the truth
- divert attention: abruptly change topic to avoid the discussion of touchy subjects
- half-truths: mix truthful and deceptive information
How does lying operate in daily life?
- college people living on campus tend to tell 2 lies a day on average to 1 of every 3 interactions
- college people living off campus tend to tell about 1 lie per day on average to 1 of every 5 interactions
- 1/4 of all lies are told to benefit others
- frequent liars are not necessarily more successful liars
What is deceiver's distrust?
when people lie to others, they often begin to perceive the recipients of the lies as less honest and trustworthy as a result
How can we detect when someone is lying?
- through detailed knowledge of each other
- truth bias leads to the assumption that the partner is being honest
How does lying operate in our relationships?
serious lies about topics that are destructive to reputations or relationships are told more often to closest partners
What is betrayal?
disagreeable, hurtful actions by people we trusted and from whom we reasonably did not expect such treachery
How does betrayal happen?
sexual and emotional infidelity and lying
why does betrayal happen?
- betrayers often consider their behavior to be inconsequential and innocuous (minimize and excuse their actions)
- Men tend to betray romantic partners and business associates
- Women tend to betray friends and family
Who is most likely to betray their partners?
those who tend to be unhappy and maladjusted people who are resentful, vengeful, and suspicious of others
What are the problems associated with revenge seeking?
it is associated with neurotic people who are low in agreeableness
What is forgiveness?
a decision to give up perceived or actual right to get even with, or hold in debt, someone who has wronged you
When is forgiveness most likely to occur?
- through humble, sincere apology
- letting go of anger and resentment
- and in close committed relationships
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