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Indulgences are bad—itmakes me mad! So I have written my95 Theses to hang on WittenburgCathedral.
I was once known as'Octavian,' but you can use my new name—it means 'exalted one.' After all, I did institute a period ofRoman peace and prosperity that lasted for 200 years!
Hey Mom, lookit thisawesome painting I just made! Itembodies all the characteristics of Renaissance art, and look—there'sSocrates! And Plato! And Aristotle... and Euclid... andEratosthenes... Can we hang it onthe fridge?*
Listen up, Britans! The Roman legions are here and we havedetermined that you need a wall. No, you can't vote on the name of the wall, it's being named afterME. Silly barbarians!
December 25, 800 AD. Dear Pope Leo, Thank you for crowning me—a lowly Germanic king—Emperor of the Romans! Hope it doesn't make that Byzantineemperor too mad. Your friend, Carolus Magnus.
You wanna be a good Muslim? You can, in just five easy steps: pray 5 times a day, make a hajj, help the poor, fast during
Ramadan, and don't forget—Allah is the only god, and I am his prophet!
Ruling the Roman Empire is
TIRING. How 'bout I divide it in
half and get someone else to help?
And then, I think, I will take a nap. Don't let those noisy barbarians wake me up!
Listen up, Medieval
Europeans. You are all a bunch of
SINNERS. What could you do to help
take care of those sins... hmm... I know!
Why don't you come with me to save Jerusalem from the Turks, and I'll
make sure you get to Heaven.
C'mon, it'll be fun, and it might increase trade, too!
Pope Urban II
Thanks to me, those poor monks don't have to spend their entire lives copying books, and now ideas can spread faster than ever! You might even say I created the most important invention of the Renaissance!
We must have justice in Babylon! If you poke out someone's eye, then your eye will be poked out!
If you knock out someone's tooth, then your tooth will be knocked out!
HEY, ROMANS! STOP PERSECUTING THOSE CHRISTIANS! What? What's that you say? You want to name a prosperous city on the Bosporus after me? Aw, shucks.
I sure am glad to get out of that dark, smelly cave. Now that I, a famous philosopher, have seen the light, maybe I should be King! You can read about all these ideas and more in my book, the Republic.
I don't care if Rome is on fire; I gotta practice my violin!
Theodora, dear, do you have a little time to help me codify and organize Roman law?
Crooked politicians everywhere LOVE my book, the Prince. They can use it to excuse their questionable actions, because as I say, 'the ends justify the means!' Muah hah hah!
Filial piety means you should mind your ma 'n' pa! It helps you get used to respecting the government, which loves me and my book, the Analects.
Before my death at age 24, I conquered Ancient Greece and Persia and spread Hellenistic culture throughout my empire. I'm GREAT!
Alexander the Great
Yeah, I led my Mongols on their horses over the Great Wall, but enough about me... let me tell you about my grandson! He conquered the rest
of China and Russia too. That's my boy!
Do you think I've corrupted the youth of Athens? Am I really the gadfly of the state? Should I be condemned to death with hemlock? What is your evaluation of the situation?
Now that I've finished conquering Gaul, I think I'll 'convince' the Roman Senate to name me dictator
for life. And please, STOP ASKING IF I INVENTED THAT SALAD!
I figured out way back in the Hellenistic Age that the Earth was round. Take THAT, Columbus
Agenda for the Week, October 14, 1066: Sail across Channel and conquer England. Usurp King Harold. Pose for tapestry. Take census and record in Domesday Book. Have mail forwarded from 'Duke of Normandy' to 'King of England.'
William the Conqueror/Bastard/Great
Ahh, the right triangle—such a thing of beauty—so lovely in its perfect ratio. No need to measure it, though—just use my fabulous formula!
What's this fine print here? WHAT? Even KINGS have to follow the laws of England? Golly, I sure wish I'd read this Great Charter before I signed it.
Need some help lifting thatboat, Ancient Greeks? Use a lever! Physics is SO cool.